Remember when I used have a lot to say? Remember when blogging used to be something I looked forward to? Yeah, me too. What changed? I can't exactly put my finger on it, but somewhere along the way this all became a chore. I realized that I stopped walking out of the joy of the Lord, and started doing things out of duty, just going through the motions.
I could write about how we are stuck in the bush of Moldova with no ministry to do, and how I've sat in my hammock for eight days hoping that tomorrow would be the day that ministry starts. I could write about debrief and all the wonderful things Papa began to release to the squad. I could write more and more about our wonderful hosts from last month. I could write about dear, sweet Marta, the Polish girl we met on our free day. I could write about my barista friend Myroslav, my coding friend Bа�илий, or my English club friends Rostyk and Nazar. I probably will. But not today.
Blogging is something I'm supposed to do; my supporters need to know what's happening so they will continue to feel like their money is being used wisely. I get that. So every day for the last week and a half I have sat down and tried to write a blog. Everyday, I struggle for a while, and…nothing. Crap. What went wrong? Is it that God isn't teaching me things? Is it that I'm not learning? Is it that I'm exhausted? Is it that I'm overwhelmed? No. It's none of those.
But I realized that I'm not spilling over. Joy is my favorite! I usually exude joy. My cup of joy usually flows over the brim. But that's not the case right now. What happened? I've been thinking about joy since I started this post and am reminded of a few things the Lord has highlighted to me this year. All of them come from people a few generations back. Im really thankful that the Body is multigenerational.
The first is a sign that hangs right next to JL Williams' door. JL is such and incredible man of God. He gets the point of Kingdom and wont settle for less than God's best. He is my dad's spiritual father and has been an influential mentor for me as well. His ministry (and by that, I mean he and his wonderful wife Patt) works all over the world, developing partnerships and discipleship relationships with local ministries. I feel so blessed to be in their spiritual family. I digress. Next to his door hangs this sign: "Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God." Whoa.
The second is emailed to me every week by Joy Norris and her husband Don, missionaries who left retirement in the states to move to San Juan de Lurigancho Peru to start a ministry. They are dear friends, and I feel like their grandson. The work they are doing for Jesus there is so beautiful. I see such dependence on Him and such incredible faith. I am honored to know them. I digress once more. Each week, in their email update, they sign off with this: "If there's no joy in the journey, then Jesus is missing." Again, whoa.
Before leaving for the race, my church had a conference and one of the speakers was Ken Gott, a pastor from northern England who pastored an incredible revival there. When he spoke to us, he talked about the Wesleyan revivalists and how they held each other accountable. They asked each other, "How's your soul? Are you burning?"
God! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you convicting me? Why do you love me enough to make me restless and dissatisfied? You see, I feel like I've gotten comfortable. I feel like I'm not really growing. For me, adventure has become normal life, culture shock is no longer shocking, and I have sort of stopped digging for more Kingdom. Jesus taught us that the Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure buried in a field. When a man found it he sold all he had to buy that field. I think I'm realizing that I have bought that field. I've given everything to seek out the Kingdom. But somewhere along the way I've dug up a little bit of treasure, and felt like I had found the riches of Heaven. And God is telling me, "Caleb! Don't settle for a couple of gold coins when there's an entire field of buried treasure for you to discover!" All over again today, I'm remembering that my inheritance is so much more than I've settled for. God has placed this unsettledness in my spirit and it's causing me to long for more. He's giving me a dissatisfaction with where I'm at that's causing me to want to run farther and farther into who He is. I want to dive into the endless ocean of His love and the bottomless sea of His goodness. I want fresh revelation, fresh encounter, authentic holiness, and real relationship again.
I want to behold His face. I want to gaze into His eyes. I want to know my Father intimately.
One of my best friends in the world is Justin Wong. He is currently in Thailand on the Race. This morning, he posted a blog based on Psalm 24, a passage that I've been resting on for a while too. We see and do most things really differently, but Papa always seems to teach us the same things, albeit in completely opposing ways. As I read Justin's blog, it all started to click. This section of his post so clearly expresses my heart:
"But sweet Jesus, give me a taste and a glimpse of your satisfying nature. I need it. I crave it. I’m created for it. Pour into my soul until I can’t handle anymore of Your goodness, until every fiber of my being is crying out from the Divine Weight inhabiting this limited body. And then pour some more."
Maranatha! Oh Lord, come. Fill me. Thank you for giving me a craving for more. Thank you for loving me too much to let me sit still and settle there. Take me in, Papa!
