My teacher once said, “Testimonies are fenceposts by which we live our lives.”
I’ve heard testimonies that rocked me with the reckless amount of grace and redemption Jesus has. But I always believed that was only possible for other people’s testimonies, and that mine wasn’t as valuable.
That’s a lie.
I’ve been living in fear of letting down other people’s impressions or expectations of me by posting this, so I am. Fear of reactions. That’s not living as a freed child of the King.
So this is my story.
I grew up in a church going house- just my parents and I. My parents loved me well, and still do. The church loved me like family, but I didn’t understand how Jesus’ message changed everything. I was used to the message. The son of God was born in a manger and died, and he loves us- okay. I believed it because it made sense.
I went to summer camps every year, and would come home wanting to read my Bible and know Jesus. I didn’t want to be lukewarm for Jesus. But a few days later that desire would fade. So I lived like most kids. I played all the sports I could, did really well in school, and had a lot of friends.
In middle school my mom wanted me to be a part of a youth group, so I went to a couple ones, but people seemed hypocritical. I worked hard in school, had a great friend group, and life was pretty sweet. When my friends started going through really hard things with their families, those became my biggest problems. I began being the person everyone could go to when their life was crap. I was twelve when I talked a friend out of committing suicide, and my house was safe for my friends.
High school started, and it was more of the same. Then I started dating, and my world was suddenly different. I was with my boyfriend all the time. He became my world, and I found a lot of purpose and identity in supporting him. I put up boundaries, because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t honor them well. At the same time, he brought me into a youth group, and I immediately had fun community around me who loved me well, and there was something different about them. They didn’t know me, but they welcomed me in and loved me. Months passed, and I knew they were different because of Jesus, and that my knowledge of Jesus was just the beginning of life with him. I had just turned fifteen, went to two different countries on mission trips, and decided that I was tired of how I was living. I knew there was a reason I wasn’t comfortable being the girl that pushed boundaries with her boyfriend. So I ended the relationship, dove into church community, and became a leader in my church.
I had several months of this sweetness. I’d dug out the shame that was in my life, mostly by putting myself in a new environment. Life was good. Then I went started sophomore year and immediately struggled with not fitting in. All my friends, school, sports- they were the same. But I was heartbroken at how people lived, and how people treated each other, and I couldn’t explain why. Nothing had changed. Except me. I was frustrated. Why had I changed and nothing else had? This wasn’t what Jesus wanted the world to look like. And Jesus didn’t want me to look like it either.
Two months passed. It felt like everyone knew me as the perfect person, and I needed to uphold that expectation, but I was sick of feeling isolated because I didn’t party. So I started to party, and had so much shame that I wouldn’t party again for months, but then I wanted to fit in and would party again months later. I looked for fulfillment in a couple relationships, and it didn’t work. This started me living like a chameleon – at church, I loved Jesus. At school – a great student athlete. With friends – a person who liked fun and mess around. Alone – I was who other people said I was and needed me to be.
I had a lot of shame from living this double world, but every time I would stop living for the world, I only replaced it with busyness. The busyness was good things – mission trips, work, etc. I knew there was more to life with Jesus, but I also wanted to enjoy my life, and didn’t understand how to do both. So, eventually I’d go back to relationships and partying and I tried to hide it best I could. I hated how I was living, but I figured one day I would get used to it like everyone else, and I would find my balance.
Junior year I went to small group all the time and was busy, but still felt isolated. I got back with my original boyfriend, who I’d dated on and off for all of high school – and it was like coming home. He knew me, he saw me, and he was super sweet to me. But I was super torn. Part of me knew he wasn’t best for me, but my identity was in him. A lot of my friends tried to call me higher- but Lord knows I’m stubborn, so I threw myself further into that relationship, and crossed every boundary I’d told myself I wouldn’t. I had so much shame about the relationship I stopped going to church, but I used classes, internships, work, and sports as an excuse. I was so broken and so bitter and truly believed my boyfriend was the only person I could trust.
The relationship got toxic, as we were dependent on each other. My life was crazy busy, I stopped dreaming about my future, I wasn’t being a very kind person. And then he cheated on me. And my world collapsed.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I lived in a lot of pain. Occasionally I’d go to a party, and then I’d feel worse. I was in a dark place of self pity and betrayal and isolation, but I didn’t really have time to sit in it. When I would process and cry out, I learned a lot of intimacy with Jesus, but I struggled a lot. I told myself life would reset when I got through the school year.
It kind of did. I went on a church trip and my friends chased after me hard, and I spent a year in good community. I surrounded myself with really great people and family and sports and school, really loved my life, and stopped picking up other people’s problems as my own. I lived in this for almost all of senior year, and started forming some good habits with Jesus. I’d dug up the old dirt, and started filling the hole in with faith that there was more. But the rain came (knee surgery), and I got bored, and pushed all the same dirt back into the hole. The dirt that says, if I’m in a relationship- then I’m loved. If I’m a top student- then I’m loved. If I party- then I’m included.
I chased purpose in people and everything I did, said one thing and lived another, and at the end of the day, was really scared and felt really alone. I was terrified of how people saw me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I knew there HAD to be more to life with Jesus, but I didn’t want to sacrifice friendships and staying out till 3 a.m., even when they hurt, because I was included. I was convinced if people knew the things I’d done, I would be pushed away. So I kept everything boxed. But, I had a seed that said there HAD to be more; in that place of knowing I needed growth, not understanding who I was, and pride polluting my view of Jesus, I left on the world race.
– – –
The first month was hard. I didn’t want to grow, because my friendships at home would change if I lived out my convictions. But, so many people around me heard clearly from the Lord, and had walked through a lot of things I’d walked through. And they were very loved and accepted. So I gave it a chance. I was determined not to go home to the same deception I’d lived under. For the first time, when I dug up the dirt I had something new to fill the hole with.
I got to fill the hole with peace. I got to fill the hole with community that was super honest and loved me when I didn’t love them. I got to fill the hole with wholeness. With forgiveness. And with a sea of grace.
I got to fill the hole with the truth that I have grown and I am not my past and I am bold and I don’t have to live in fear of what anyone else thinks of me. I am a daughter of the King and I’m free to not live under the pressure of this world.
That’s worth sharing, despite any fear and shame.
These are my fenceposts. Now I get to keep building my life on the steady foundation Jesus has spoken over me!!
Love, Cait
