Stroke. Stitches. Death. They fell like real big ocean waves crashing down over me.
There’s this parable Jesus talk about in Matthew 7, about two men who build their houses. One on sand. One on rock. When the storms come, the one built on stand falls but the one built on a strong foundation stands.
As the storms of life seem to be swirling all around me, I am firmly grounded in Jesus. The one constant in wave after wave after wave of disappointment, grief and pain that is being thrown my way is my rock, my Lord, my God. You better believe as it all piles on, feelings that I can barely breath between minor disasters that I am clinging to the one who is constant.
“Dad had a stroke. I’m at the hospital. Dad is in surgery”
As this wave crashed over me, I began to wonder if this wave crashing down on me was bigger than a skyscraper ‘cause it sure felt like it. That was over a month ago my mom sent that text leading my brother, Chris, and I to drive in the dead of night across the state. Things are different now. A new normal. My dad is in a nursing home now, able to move his whole left side, to eat and can even say few words here and there. He’s still got his goofy side, making just about every therapist, nurse and family member laugh. He won’t be same again though. I can’t just call him up on a walk home from class. He won’t ever make a huge batch of popcorn and save me some. Our walks together look very different now. I am incredibly grateful he is alive, that I get to be with be with even a bit of him but that doesn’t lessen the blow this wave brought.
“Don’t tell mom” “I cut my finger” “Kinda deep” “Renee got it bandaged up but I might need stitches tomorrow”
There crashes another wave, slightly smaller but so soon after the first one.1:31 am. Chris Buell. My younger but not little brother sent those texts my way. What an honor he trusts me to run to me like that. Welcome to wave two. Things were finally “normal-ish” again. Was finally going to head back to church that day, where church fam meets on Sundays and get to teach Sunday School to some real rad K-5th graders. Nope. Nah. My plan wasn’t how that morning played out. One urgent care, four stitches and big bandage latter, Chris’ finger survives another day.
“Feeling kinda light headed Chels on me in an hour” “Check”
Chris again. The next day. An hour drive, a 911 call and a zip over the emergency room… he’s fine. There crashes another wave. I am tired, dragging along, hoping not in my own ability to make it through but in the Lord’s strength and hope.
“Excuse me mam, do you know why I pulled you over”
My plates were expired, something my dad was taking care of before his stroke. A ticket and a quick sob in an Aldi’s parking lot later, it’s fine and all sorted now. This wave felt like a slap in the face, cause the one I’d usually call in this situation isn’t someone who can talk on the phone anymore.
Then there were so many little things that just felt bigger in the in-between. Spilling my water bottle in my backpack, breaking a mason jar while cleaning dishes and burning a batch of cookies. Some felt less little, like a childhood neighborhood friend passed away this week.
In all the chaos that has been my life lately, this sob story I can so easily spin painting myself to be the victim has one constant. In the great and the not so great, in the ER at 1 am, in the Aldi’s parking lot, in my dad’s room in the nursing home my Lord is present, loving and gets it.
I can’t fix it. I can’t stop many of these things from happening. Learning to trust the Lord and his plan in all things hasn’t been easy but it’s all I got. From this season I’m learning just how much I can’t but God can.
In that parable, it’s not just that the rain fell, it’s “and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house…” (Matthew 7:25) It’s a lot happening all at once. Not just a sprinkle but a whirlwind. #sorelatable
The storm came to both of them. The wise man, the foolish man, both houses were hit with this tremendous storm. That’s kinda encouraging, you know? That it’ll happen to anyone. What’s different people is not whether the storm will come but what foundation you’re on. Sometimes it isn’t until that storms hits that the value of the foundation is revealed.
This isn’t a easy season, in fact I might go so far to say it’s been the hardest one yet, but here I am clinging to the hope found only in my Savior. In this mess, particularly my mess, Jesus sees me and never breaks eye contact. I surrender my need to fix it, to control it to him. He pursues me, loves me and won’t abandon me no matter how many tears I cry or mason jars I break or ways I’m frustrated at my current situation. Jesus you’re all need, everything else might fail but Lord you. are. constant.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” Hebrews 13:8
As I am learning more and more about the consistency and hope found in my worthy of trust God, I am eager to share that with the nations- both here at Michigan State University and abroad with the World Race. If you’re interested in supporting me in that- there’s an orange button to the left that says “Subscribe for Updates” to keep up to date on what’s going down leading to and on the Race and an orange button up above that says “donate” if you want to support me that way.
Incredibly Loved by an Amazing Savior,
Caitlyn Buell
