Dear Husband,
To be honest, before coming on the race, I was perfectly content with being single. Even though I dreamt about being married my entire life, after college I couldn’t imagine being married or starting a family. I truly loved my independence and freedom. Even when people would comment on how I would find my husband on the race, I would dismiss it with a laugh. That wasn’t the reason I was going on a year-long mission trip. Finding my husband was no longer my number one priority.
Now I’m 6 months into the race and it’s all I can think about. It wasn’t so hard in the beginning, but after being asked every month if I’m married and then that being followed up with why I’m not married yet, it’s become very hard to not think about. And now it’s even worse. I keep dreaming about our life together. Imagining different scenarios or scenes of our future.
You and our future have literally taken over my mind.
But this is supposed to be my honeymoon with Jesus. I can’t be focused on Him when I’m so focused on you. He’s supposed to be my only desire right now. So I’ve been praying these desires and thoughts away. I’ve been asking Him to remove all distractions, and currently you are distraction number one. My future life with you has gotten in the way of my present life with Jesus.
My relationship with you has become more important than my relationship with Him.
Now, I still love you. Don’t get me wrong. You are my man and my best friend, but I need to be in love with Jesus before I get to be in love with you. I need to give the Lord my whole heart before I can give it to you and definitely before I get the privilege of holding yours in my hands.
Giving the Lord my heart…this is what the entire race has looked like fore me, especially during the last few months. It has been me learning to fully depend on the Lord. To depend on Him and Him alone. Before the race, I used to think marriage was the time I would give up my independence. But the truth is, I need to give it up right now. Each month I have given another piece of me, my freedom, my stubbornness, and above all my independence. The Lord has been stripping all of that away and by doing this He is showing me what true love is like. Love without selfishness or ulterior motives. He is preparing me for the future He has planned for me.
The Lord is preparing my heart and The Lord is preparing me for you. He is preparing me to be your wife.
And to prepare me even more, the Lord asked me to give another part of me up. Something that I have been holding on to for so long.
Tonight, He asked me to give up you.
Even though I know He is preparing me for you and that I will be with you some day, He asked me to surrender everything that I am. My past, present, and especially my future. I don’t know what the future holds, but I put everything into the Lord’s hands tonight. As I knelt on the ground, with tears streaming down my face, I gave all that I am over to Him, and that includes you. I gave us and our future over to Him. Our years we will spend on the mission field together. Our house with the wrap around porch. Our children running around with the dogs. Our huge yard we will use for family barbecues. Those nights when I get to come home to you and see your smile. He asked me to give it all to Him and it was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do because my dear husband, I love you so much.
Tonight was difficult for me. Letting you go hurt, more than I imagined it would, but I know it will be worth it. I am trusting in the Lord that surrendering all that I am will be worth it.
I know that this is going to be a daily surrender because my heart deeply desires to be married to you now. It is going to be a struggle, but I am going to choose the Lord in this. I am choosing His plans for me because I am trusting that they are good and going to be amazing. I know that He will take me places where I have never imagined going, and these places may take me farther away from you. He may even take you farther away from me, but I trust in the Lord’s timing because He is faithful and He is good.
I know that our life will be beautiful together, but I also know that all of this time until then will be beautiful as well because I will be following the Lord’s desires instead of my own and I hope you are doing the same.
Husband, I hope you know how much I love you, because it is a whole lot. But I also hope you know that God needs to work on me a little bit more so that I am ready for you. I don’t know how long it will take, but I promise it will be worth the wait.
With Love,
Your Wife Caitlin
