As I stood there struggling to move or breathe, I had to ask teammate, Alexis, if we could go somewhere and sit.
She asked if I was okay. I couldn’t answer her because I didn’t know what was happening. So we went to the local grocery store to get away from everything.
We ended up sitting together, laughing and crying. She related to my feelings of being overwhelmed and we just cried in each other’s presence.
No speaking. No consoling. Only tears followed by laughter. (Just imagine to white girls sitting outside of a shop crying for no reason. It was a pretty comical sight.)
After a while we walked back to our flat. I discussed what happened to me with my team. I didn’t really know how to explain what triggered my breakdown or how to move forward. It felt like something that just came and then passed, and again I refrained from processing.
As I lied in bed that night, I didn’t really feel anything. I was almost numb. I went from 0 to 60 and then back down to 0 all in about 4 hours. I rationalized my lack of feeling with being emotionally exhausted from the day, but something felt different. Actually, something felt similar.
Flashback to senior year of college
I’m in my dorm room, lying in bed, afraid to face the day. Something is wrong, but I don’t know what. My phone buzzes from a text message. I look to see who it is. My boss/professor/mentor/campus dad, aka someone who cares about me and wants to make sure I’m okay. I don’t respond and turn off my phone. I continue lying there, thinking of everything I’m doing wrong in life. How I don’t want to face what lies outside of my room or even my bed. It’s so much safer here, under my covers. My mind continues to reel, thinking about nothing and yet thinking about everything at the same time.
There’s a knock at the door. Another person who cares about me and knows something is wrong. I ignore it and wait for them to leave. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to admit I’m struggling. I don’t want them to see my weakness.
I continue laying in bed, completely numb. Emotionally detached from the world and everyone who loves me.
As that memory was triggered, I knew I didn’t want to go back there. That was one of my darkest times and as I lied there on my sleeping pad in Myanmar, there was something trying to pull me back there. Something or Someone was inviting me to go back to when I was afraid to face my struggles and my feelings. I didn’t want to go back to that, but I felt myself slipping back into unhealthy patterns. I knew that I was too weak to resist on my own, so it was time to bring out the big gun, something I didn’t use on that day in my dorm room, because I thought I could fix everything on my own.
Prayer.
Lord, I am so weak. I know that I am exactly where You want me to be, but it’s hard. I don’t always have the strength to love the people around me. My hosts. My team. The people in this city. I don’t always have the energy to be fully invested during team time. It is exhausting trying to do everything You and my leadership asks me to do. And I want to obey. I really do, but there is a part of me that wants to rebel. My selfish flesh has been getting the better of me lately. I’ve been living in a way that serves my needs and desires. I feel like Paul when he said, “ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” So I ask for Your forgiveness. I am sorry for not doing what You have been asking of me.
But Lord, I’m just simply overwhelmed. Sometimes everything is too much. And since I am feeling so much, I want to turn everything off. I want to flip that switch and stop caring. It sounds so much easier. But I know that You don’t promise easy. You actually promised the opposite to everyone who chooses to follow You.
So moving forward, I ask for Your strength. Holy Spirit, give me a love for everyone I encounter. A love that can only come from You. Please give me the ability to reflect Your love to everyone I know and especially to the ones I don’t. Father, please give me the patience for my teammates that You have always shown me. I am trying to serve You and You only, but sometimes my own desires become more important. I know that I will stumble and fail in the future, but I rest in Your grace. Thank you Jesus for Your death. For the punishment You took for me so that I can share in Your victory over sin, death, and the devil. I can do nothing without You and what You have done for me.
Lord, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I choose to trust in You. I choose to follow where You lead. I may want to go off course, so please continue to guide my wandering feet. And whenever I become overwhelmed or stressed as I learn what it means to truly follow You, replace those feelings with Your grace. Replace them with Your love. Replace them with Your goodness and mercy.
Replace them with Your peace.
Amen.
