I didn’t plan for this. This wasn’t my idea at all. Just wanted to make that clear.
After graduating college, the plan was to go back to school, be a graduate assistant, get my teaching credential, and begin my program for a Master’s in Education. After my degree, I’d become a teacher in a Lutheran school in small town North Carolina. I’d be married and have at least two dogs and there would be thoughts about starting a family. We’d be living in a rustic house with hardwood floors and a wrap around porch with porch swing. We would live in a place where everyone knows everyone and you could walk into the local diner and order “the usual” because they’d know exactly what that is. My life would be somewhat ordinary and simple. It would make sense and I would be content.
Spoiler alert! Absolutely none of that happened…
God had a very different plan in mind. First of all, my grad assistant job fell through and therefore, I did not have the money to pay for school and support myself. I came home and began working part time at my home church, St. John’s Lutheran, by helping in the office and substitute teaching. I thought I could get some experience in the classroom and then find an online program to earn my credential. When I finally reached the classroom, it was not what I had pictured. I love teaching and educating but the classroom did not seem like the right fit for me, at least not at this time in my life. During this time, people would ask me, “So Caitlin, what’s next for you?” or “What are you doing with your life?”. To which I would respond, “I have absolutely no idea…”
I was floating. I was letting the wind move me without any real direction. I was staying in my safe bubble of Napa and living within my comfort zone. I wasn’t feeling called to teaching or to anything for that matter. All I knew was that I wanted to share God’s love and was interested in traveling.
Then one day while I was working in my church office, some friends came in for a visit. (Hi Josh and Megan!) They asked how life was and I told them how I was feeling. How I was feeling lost and restless, but did not know where God wanted me to be. How I felt like I needed to experience the world and the people in it, and that was not happening in Napa. Then they told me about the World Race, an amazing and radical mission trip that a friend of theirs had gone on. She said it was an amazing experience and it changed her life. I was immediately interested. I found out all the information I could about it. I stalked people who were currently in the field and read blogs. I watched tons of videos. Even when weeks went by, I could not get this mission trip out of my head. The idea of leaving and serving God in ways that I cannot even imagine excited me.
Even though I was seriously interested, I didn’t immediately sign up for a route and leave the country. Going on a year-long mission trip with only what I can carry and no income sounded crazy. It sounded nothing like my simple North Carolina life. A year and a half went by of me going back and forth on the matter. I made a pro and con list. I talked to friends and family about their thoughts and feelings. There were even times where I thought maybe my time had passed and I should move on to something else. But then I went to God and asked, “Where do you want me to be?” And He said, “You already know.” God was making it pretty clear what I had to do. But I was still holding on to my pre-existing ideas and dreams of what my life was supposed to look like. God was asking me to let those go. If was serious about wanting to serve Him, I needed to trust Him and His plan.
God said no to staying at school because I needed to be home. He knew I needed that time to rest and spend much needed time with my family. He gave me the opportunities to gain some experience in teaching. He gave me time to grow in my relationship with Him. If my life went the way I planned, it might have been a great life, but it wouldn’t be the life God desires for me. I want the life God has planned for me. He knows my heart and knows what’s best for me. When I thought everything was falling apart because my plans were not becoming reality, God was putting a new plan in motion. He placed restlessness on my heart and gave me new desires and dreams. I didn’t see it at the time, but I do now. I know that if I had the simple life I had planned, I wouldn’t be as content as I thought.
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, or what this next year is going to look like, but God does. I would much rather follow the Creator of the Universe’s plan than my own. Maybe one day I will have that house in North Carolina with a family and two dogs. Maybe not. And that’s okay. My future is in God’s hands. It’s good to have dreams and goals for the future, but we also need to be able to let those go when God calls us to something else. As it says in Proverbs 16:9, “ In his heart, a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
