Dear Mom,
I guess I should first say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your last child was probably more than you bargained for. I’m sorry for being the child that always wandered off and forgot to tell you where I was going. And then usually coming back with cuts and bruises that you needed to mend. I’m sorry for being the kid that you always warned but still did it anyways because she just had to know what would happen. I’m sorry for being stubborn and independent almost to a fault. For always needing to do things my way and not trusting you more. I’m sorry for all the times I made your heart stop from fear because I took a few too many risks. I’m sorry for not living the life you planned or imagined for me. I’m sorry for always keeping you on your toes and not being easier. I’m especially sorry for all the times I was so angry and frustrated with you that I hurt your feelings and was not the gentle and loving daughter you deserve.
Please forgive me for all of this and more.
I know there’s more I could apologize for, but now I need to thank you.
Thank you for being my mom. Which means that you have still loved me in spite of everything I have listed above. I know that it hasn’t been easy but you have loved me with all of your being for the past 26 years. Thank you for trying to protect me and then for picking up the broken pieces when I wouldn’t listen. Thank you for holding on to me tightly whenever I would try to push you away. And then for chasing after me if I ever got loose from your grasp. You have loved me in all of my brokenness and weakness. And I am so thankful that the Lord placed me into your family.
Thank you for loving and supporting me even when it didn’t make sense to you. For trusting the Lord’s call on my life to leave you and the safety of your home. You have loved me so well since I’ve been gone and I know that I could not have survived this journey without you behind me and reminding me to be strong and courageous. Yesterday when I was sick with who knows what, I surprised myself when I had the thought, “I just want my mom.” But that shouldn’t have surprised me because you have always been there for me. You have always taken care of me. Wiped my tears. Shown me love when I needed it most. You have always put my needs before your own and I will be eternally grateful.
But, over this past year I have heard my friends talk about their moms and how much they miss them. How their moms are their best friends and it made me sad. It made me sad because I have pushed you away so much from my need to be independent that we have missed out on having that type of relationship. But I know that it can change.
From now on, I am going to be a better daughter to you. I am going to give you that same unconditional love you have always given me. I am going to love you with patience and gentleness. I also want to know you not just as Mom but as Jan. I forget that you haven’t always been my mom. That you had a life before you stepped into the role of mother. I want to get to know that person and her story. So expect that when I come home, things will be different.
Now please don’t expect the perfect daughter because I am far from that but do expect a different daughter. A daughter whose heart has been changed by the love and grace of Jesus. A daughter who now lives with a joy inside of her and lives with a newfound freedom to love in a new way. A daughter who will love you in the ways you deserve and need to be loved.
I am so excited to come home and share this love and joy with you. By the grace of God, things will be different, I promise you. I can’t promise that it will be easy but I promise that I will put in the effort because I love you. I really do love you so much, Mom.
I’ll be seeing you real soon.
With Love from Your Youngest,
Caitie Roo
Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day. 🙂
