My earliest memory of ever wanting to be a wife and a momma was probably around 2nd grade. I was playing Barbie dolls with my little sister, and I remember sitting on my bedroom floor wildly daydreaming about what it would be like to be married and have kids. Somehow, for a few short seconds those plastic dolls became my hopeful reality.
Fast forward almost 20 years later, and I still have those deep longings in my heart. I still daydream about the moment I become wife and mom.
In Rwanda, the Lord asked me to start praying for my future husband. This wasn’t abnormal because I’ve prayed for my future husband before. I’ve spent countless hours in my life petitioning on his behalf before the Lord. So I just assumed this was going to be the same ol’ thing… where I prayed and waited for the man to show up, not really feeling any hope that it could actually happen, that I could actually get the man of my “dreams” without having to compromise in other areas. But man was I wrong, and I’m so thankful I was because I walked away from that time changed.
For 31 days, I diligently woke up early to pray for my future husband… and by the end of the month a hole in my heart, that I didn’t know was there, got filled. You see, all those years of yearning to be loved by a man… I started digging a hole in my heart in hopes that one day my future husband could fill it up. With every potential prospect, the hole would grow. With every heartbreak, the hole would grow. And I didn’t realize how big this hole was getting until I stopped and focused on my Savior.
During those 31 days, I prayed for a faceless man. He had no name. No figure. Nothing. Because I don’t know who my husband will be. Will he be tall or short? Black or white? Will he be from Texas or Oklahoma or some other state? I have no earthly idea. But what I learned during those 31 days was this…
I was praying for a heart. A heart that is real and is beating inside the chest of a man that will one day steal my heart. And as each day passed, the Lord filled that hole in my heart. He showed me that was a space only He could satisfy. A space that only He could go. It was foolish of me to put those expectations on a man, because humans fail us. Whether that is a husband, a child, a parent, or a friend. We all fall short, and we fail those we love. But goodness, Our God does not fail us, never… not even once.
And at the end of my month praying for him, that’s where God spoke directly to my heart. He said, “Cait, I placed those desires in your heart at a young age… before you really even noticed boys. That desire you have is good, and it’s from Me, your Papa. I want what’s best for you, like any dad would. I didn’t place those desires in your heart to be mean or to taunt you or to make you think you were so close and then rip it out of your grasp. No, that’s not My character. I give the best wine to My beloved. I give My best to you. I don’t halfway do things. Trust Me with Your heart, I promise I will steward it well.”
Cue tears. I was humbled and broken that my Papa cared THAT much for me.
Friends, the God of the Universe whispers promises to His children. Promises that He will not take back. And even on the days we don’t feel like we are being pursued whether that is with someone of the opposite sex or a close friend… we ARE actually being pursued by the Lover of our souls, and at the end of the day, He is the only One that can satisfy. He captives each searching heart. He is the Mender of all the million shattered pieces. There is no better hands to be in.
So my next chapter in this journey is to start praying for my own heart. I felt like the Lord said, “Now that you’ve prayed for him, it is time you pray for your own heart. Go back and reread all those prayers you prayed for your future husband, and pray them with a sincere heart over yourself. You can’t ask him to be someone you aren’t willing to be yourself. We will get you ready for the alter together.”
I can’t wait for marriage. I look forward to the day that I get to marry my best friend… even if I don’t know who that is right now. But if I’ve learned one thing through this little journey it’s this: my husband can’t satisfy me completely. I can experience that “oneness” before the alter because I have the Holy God living inside me. When I accepted Jesus, that’s when my Savior’s heart and mine became one. Marriage is to reflect God’s heart for the church… for me. And I have that, with or without a hot Jesus lovin’ man!
