Sharing from scars, not wounds was something we learned about at Training Camp and it really stuck with me. With that being said, I have been sitting on this blog post for about 8 months now. I have stared at it for hours and rewrote it time and time again over the last 8 months wondering if it was ever going to be something I was going to share. But, I finally feel like the time is right to share it! I am thankful that this is now a scar that I can share from and that this ugliness inside of me brought me straight to the foot of the cross. It is super sweet to look back and read where I was at 8 months ago and remind myself of how desperately I still need the Gospel every single day!
Here we go:
Why did it hurt so badly when I found out that my ex was working things out with his other ex again? It’s not even like I was talking to him or wanting to get back together with him or anything. I know that the Lord has me in a season of singleness right now and realistically dating at this point in my life is slightly pointless since I am leaving in January for 11 months and I have no clue where the Lord will lead me next. So this totally shouldn’t bother me, right?? Ohh, but it did! It hurt and upset me and I couldn’t figure out why this was bothering me so badly. After acting on my feelings and letting them get the best of me, I finally decided to come to the Lord about it all because the feelings I was having were seemingly, out of nowhere and all new to me. I kept coming back to this word that I did not want to hear and a word that I did not want to be true – jealousy… eww. That is such an ugly word and such an ugly feeling. However, my reality and what God was revealing to me in that moment was that my heart was filled with jealousy and it was not pretty. I thought it was just specific to this situation, but I realized it was more than that and not circumstantial to this thing with him and her. My jealousy boiled down to the fact that I was jealous that I wasn’t the one being “picked.” I was jealous that I didn’t get to be an option anymore, but all these other people get to be options (not that I really even know what dating is lol). I was jealous that all the people around me seem to be in relationships and I’m not. Truth be told, I want to be picked by someone and in a relationship with someone and I was jealous that that wasn’t happening for me and won’t be for a while. Deep down I desire to be picked, to be chosen, and to be seen. I crave love and affirmation. I know that simply being picked by a human will never be enough for me, but I still put that so high in my life like it will. I look for that in all types of relationships and friendships. It provides me with instant yet fleeting gratification, but it doesn’t get to the root of the problem or ever fully satisfy me.
During my time of prayer and processing I was so sweetly reminded that I was picked and I do have someone who desires a relationship with me. The God of the universe thought of me when He sent His son to die in my place so that He could pursue a relationship with ME. Jesus saw ME when He was hanging on the cross for me and my sins and decided I was worth it. All of that should be more that enough for me! He picked me and He still picks me everyday. Constantly, He is pursing me and my heart and revealing Himself to me in the details of life. He wants to talk to me, to hear from me, to walk with me, to help me, to guide me, and all things in life. If I believe all of this to be true, then it should more than satisfy the “picking” and affirmation that I am searching for in life. The search should be over. But in that time of my jealousy and desire to be picked, it wasn’t enough for me and my search wasn’t over. Allowing jealousy to sit in my heart and putting my desire to be picked above my desire for the Lord was minimizing the gospel in my life. That is a sucky feeling and hard thing to admit, but in that moment it was true. It was such an ugly moment for me, but also it was bittersweet and humbling feeling to realize what was going on in my heart. I can now begin the healing process and walk with the Lord in this. I want Him to continue to remind me daily that He alone is more than enough for me. I want to believe that wholeheartedly and continue to grow in that truth. I am so loved by Him and I want that to be at the forefront of my mind each and every day. I don’t want to slip away from these truths because they are so good and so sweet. To be known by Jesus and in a relationship with Him is incredible. I am constantly being picked and chosen by Him and it IS more than enough for me. And what’s crazy is that I have done nothing to deserve this, in fact I have done everything to not deserve it. Yet for some reason beyond my understanding, Jesus knowingly took my punishment and paid the price for my sins so that I could be right with God and be in relationship with Him. That is some crazy love. That is the Gospel.
I find it truly remarkable that in my time of ugliness and a time where I needed to be put in my place, God respond with lovingkindness and so sweetly reminded me of the Gospel. In that moment He knew exactly what my heart needed in order to hear Him. I needed that gentle yet powerful reminder of His love and of the power of the Gospel. I used to think the Gospel was something you only needed to hear once and respond to once, but it is SO much more than that. I have been learning and understanding that we need the Gospel DAILY. Each and every day I need to be reminded of the Gospel and to cling to its beauty and center my life on its truth.
