This
is my life – no privacy, no “mine”, no personal space, no
independence. Travel, meals, prayer, sleep, games, meetings, ministry, bathroom
breaks…all is done with five other growing woman of God around me. They’re
pushing my buttons, disagreeing with my opinions, rolling their eyes, walking
away and coming back, raising their voices, tearing me down, and sometimes leaving
me completely frustrated and annoyed with community.
We’re
more than half way through this lifestyle. Perseverance and a whole lot of
God’s strength and love is keeping us in this Race. (Philippians
3:12-14) We’re not giving up! In
fact we want to press in even harder. Though most times we don’t feel like it.
It’s difficult and our flesh wants us to give up, throw up, or sweep messes
under the rug. Yet we’d rather step on each others toes than walk on eggshells.
This is why it’s been a while since my last blog. I realized that during the
times when I’d rather avoid my team I could always write a blog or an email. It
would make me feel better knowing someone out there was listening or maybe even
cared what I was going through. After seeing this avoidance mechanism I set
aside the blogging mentality to focus more on my teammates. And this is what I
learned…
This
isn’t normal. It’s not normal to choose the hard thing first. It’s not normal
to be open and honest and vulnerable
with people. How often do we allow our
heart to be naked, raw and ugly and naked before others. There’s a trust that
needs to be built, comfort that needs to be present, and even then we’re afraid
others may not fully understand us. We’re afraid they’ll eventually take back
their love once it’s no longer free, easy, and convenient.
During
my frustrating moments I think of some friends back in the states. I like them.
They’re cool people. They make me laugh. We get along well without too much
effort. But…where are we getting challenged? Where are we drawing closer to
the character of Christ? How are we leaning on each other through sorrow and
weakness? When do we praise the presence of Christ? How far do we dig until we
can fully understand the persons motives and mannerisms? I don’t think we do.
No blame. I don’t press in ’cause I like to keep things light and easy. I’ve
walked this narrow road by myself pretty proudly independent for a while now.
My friends have tended to just be cute accessories that watch movies with me. I
am so sorry.
This
team, however, and the group of 26 Racers that I’ve lived with the past six
months have continued to sharpen and refine and challenge and push me into
becoming me. Not a better Christian, better missionary, better whatever. Just
me. Closer to Christ and closer as Christ, but always continuing on the path
and the will that is me. And I in return am attempting to practice this
“stepping on of the toes” to give back to all that they have taught
and imparted to me. I’m trying to confront, challenge, and pray into all
relations and issues. I’m practicing the art of community living which does not
settle for merely living together and joining in the same hobby or work. We
want to be closer to His heart today than we were yesterday; more in tune with
the desires of God this week than last month; more alive when we return to the
states than when we left.
It
hurts and growing pains usually do. I think I went to the doctor three or so
times when I was a kid for simple growing pains and I’m not even that tall
physically. But spiritually – I’m willing to endure the hardest trials, most
honest confrontations, and most ugly stripping of self if it means that my
loved ones and I will be drawing closer to each other and to Christ. I will
hate it sometimes. We are stubborn, selfish, and sinful. But we can’t give up.
What would be the point then? We would be left with nothing. We were made for
each other; holding onto the relationships and embracing opportunities to
choose into community.
What’s the momentum that keeps us going? The hope that drives is freedom. There’s freedom in allowing
others, close individuals, into your life. In the commitment you are saving
yourself. You’re opening your thoughts, ideas, and even secrets and inviting
them into the light. You are no longer alone. You’re being refined – growing
with the mixture of encouragement, criticism, and love. Above all else there is
LOVE.
