Hey! God is SOOO good! Though my immediate family was all married by 23…I’m nearly 24 1/2 and single and pretty pumped about the road God’s taken me on!! I’m beautiful and worth the wait. I’m in a great content place and my heart is peacefully whole. So, even our team here in Nicaragua had a singles party last night to celebrate 🙂 I’ve written bits and pieces about this topic but I liked the wisdom and truth that I read from Seth today. Thought some of the other single ladies might as well…
Karen and I have four daughters between the ages of 20 and 25.
They are entering the stage of looking more intentionally for a life
partner. Serious business. I’m not always invited to the conversation
and I’m cool with that – they need their space. At some point when they
make their final decision, they all know the guy has to come seeking my
permission/blessing. We’re playing for keeps here.
They are entering the stage of looking more intentionally for a life
partner. Serious business. I’m not always invited to the conversation
and I’m cool with that – they need their space. At some point when they
make their final decision, they all know the guy has to come seeking my
permission/blessing. We’re playing for keeps here.
My daughters have a multitude of friends in the same boat as them.
And we’ve got hundreds of young, single women on the World Race, some
of whom feel like spiritual daughters to me by the time they finish. I
look at them with great pride and want nothing more than to see them
matched up with a man who will see them as the prize they are. Mostly
I wonder if I have anything of value to say to them about this issue of
“finding the right guy.”
And we’ve got hundreds of young, single women on the World Race, some
of whom feel like spiritual daughters to me by the time they finish. I
look at them with great pride and want nothing more than to see them
matched up with a man who will see them as the prize they are. Mostly
I wonder if I have anything of value to say to them about this issue of
“finding the right guy.”
However, as a guy, I do have a few words that might help them
better understand where guys are coming from. So I decided to write
this letter:
better understand where guys are coming from. So I decided to write
this letter:
Dear ladies,
By now I trust you’ve figured out that guys are pretty
uncomplicated. The picture above says it all. We basically want food
and we want to not embarrass ourselves too badly as we try to manage
our libido. If one of us tells you he loves you, basically what he
means is, “I think you can help me meet these two needs of mine.”
uncomplicated. The picture above says it all. We basically want food
and we want to not embarrass ourselves too badly as we try to manage
our libido. If one of us tells you he loves you, basically what he
means is, “I think you can help me meet these two needs of mine.”
Yes, we periodically get our act together and put on a good show,
but I estimate that 95% of all guys in their 20’s, if they were being
gut-level honest with you, would admit that this is true. It doesn’t
mean that we can’t eventually be trained to be different, but that is
how we start out.
but I estimate that 95% of all guys in their 20’s, if they were being
gut-level honest with you, would admit that this is true. It doesn’t
mean that we can’t eventually be trained to be different, but that is
how we start out.
Therefore, NEVER trust a guy’s motivations when he says he loves
you. Your job is not to get him to say “I love you” – hey, we’re taught
to say that as a part of the mating dance humans do! Even birds do better than that!
Your job is to figure out, “Does this guy, who looks hot on the
outside, but on the inside understands as much about me as my pet
hamster, have the capacity to make a concerted multi-year effort to try
and learn about me? Will he always be one step up from a Neanderthal?”
Because it truly will take many years before he begins to stop looking
at you through the lens of his two basic needs.
you. Your job is not to get him to say “I love you” – hey, we’re taught
to say that as a part of the mating dance humans do! Even birds do better than that!
Your job is to figure out, “Does this guy, who looks hot on the
outside, but on the inside understands as much about me as my pet
hamster, have the capacity to make a concerted multi-year effort to try
and learn about me? Will he always be one step up from a Neanderthal?”
Because it truly will take many years before he begins to stop looking
at you through the lens of his two basic needs.
I’m sorry to have to break the news to you in this way. God set it
up this way so that we would be perpetually motivated to try and please
you women.
up this way so that we would be perpetually motivated to try and please
you women.
However, this fact of life is what makes the job of trying to find
the right guy so difficult. You can’t trust what your guy says because
he has no track record of understanding a woman, let alone putting that
woman’s needs first. Whatever he says, he only ultimately wants to meet
his two needs. I personally know there are some wonderful Spirit-filled
guys out there, but there are few exceptions to this rule. I’m always
skeptical when a woman tells me she’s found one.
the right guy so difficult. You can’t trust what your guy says because
he has no track record of understanding a woman, let alone putting that
woman’s needs first. Whatever he says, he only ultimately wants to meet
his two needs. I personally know there are some wonderful Spirit-filled
guys out there, but there are few exceptions to this rule. I’m always
skeptical when a woman tells me she’s found one.
And complicating your task, you may well feel as though you don’t even
understand or trust yourself too well.
understand or trust yourself too well.
So, I hear some of you asking, “How can I
figure out the fit with any guy I like?” No easy answers. I’m just
trying to help you get closer to reality. Let me offer you a tool in
hopes that it will help. What I suggest is that you apply Maslow’s
Hierarchy of Needs (MHN) to your situation.
figure out the fit with any guy I like?” No easy answers. I’m just
trying to help you get closer to reality. Let me offer you a tool in
hopes that it will help. What I suggest is that you apply Maslow’s
Hierarchy of Needs (MHN) to your situation.
MHN states that people are motivated to meet needs. Once you meet
the basic physical needs, you can move on to higher level needs like belonging and self-esteem.
As I made clear, most guys live in the basement of this diagram. And
the trade that they propose to you when they say “I love you,” is this:
You meet my physical needs, and I will meet yours (i.e. provide for and
protect you).”
the basic physical needs, you can move on to higher level needs like belonging and self-esteem.
As I made clear, most guys live in the basement of this diagram. And
the trade that they propose to you when they say “I love you,” is this:
You meet my physical needs, and I will meet yours (i.e. provide for and
protect you).”
If this is enough for you, then God bless you, go for it. But for
most women it is not enough. They want the higher needs too: They want
to belong to a tribe and they want to feel good about their
contribution in life. Can your man commit to subordinating his needs
long enough to listen to your heart? For example, if you have a heart
for orphans, will he set aside his comfort or aspirations to listen to
what your heart is saying? If you have a heart for adventure, will he
regularly encourage you to go on adventures, or will he, having
satisfied his own two needs, leave you frustrated?
most women it is not enough. They want the higher needs too: They want
to belong to a tribe and they want to feel good about their
contribution in life. Can your man commit to subordinating his needs
long enough to listen to your heart? For example, if you have a heart
for orphans, will he set aside his comfort or aspirations to listen to
what your heart is saying? If you have a heart for adventure, will he
regularly encourage you to go on adventures, or will he, having
satisfied his own two needs, leave you frustrated?
Then there is the need for self-actualization. Let me
tell you, the men who will actually take the risks necessary to support
your dreams are rare indeed. They may want to help you, but chances
are, they are uninitiated and never learned how to take a proper risk.
A few guys love their women to that degree and I bless them. They are a
credit to the species.
tell you, the men who will actually take the risks necessary to support
your dreams are rare indeed. They may want to help you, but chances
are, they are uninitiated and never learned how to take a proper risk.
A few guys love their women to that degree and I bless them. They are a
credit to the species.
I guess the bottom line of what I’m say is this: Don’t settle. You
are worth it. Your dreams are worth it. And somewhere out there, for
many of you, God has a guy who, with a little work, is worth it.
