This has seemingly become a four-letter word to me. Self-concerned, self-righteous, selfish, self-proclaiming, self-absorbed, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-pity – you get the idea.
This weekend working at camp I felt a little under the weather. On one hand I wanted to work hard and get my job done, where on the other hand I wanted to crawl under the blankets and forget everyone but me.I chose to work despite my headache and runny nose and sore throat and tired body – yeah, inside my head I was acting like a jerk ’cause I felt bad and I wanted to be comforted.
Fortunately, the painful tugging on my heart trumped every other pain in my body. On my commute home I knew I needed Him – it had been a while since I just talked with my God. I tried listening to some worship CDs, then a preacher on tape. NOTHING is better than talking with God one one one – NOTHING can replace that important aspect of the relationship.
So with a couple hours ahead of me on the road yesterday tears came down as I told and asked my God everything that was on my heart. I moved the spotlight onto myself somehow and I was getting burned. He has me at a point right now that, in all honesty, is kinda hard. He’s ripping old scabs and healing them with His love after years of being covered up by my shame. He’s digging and digging deeper to places I didn’t think He cared about, yet wants to call His own. He’s giving me more responsibilities because of the trust He has in me. When did that happen?
I’ve been trying to do so much on my own – living and working to please myself, quietly hoping to get the credit and glory I do not deserve or need. Yeah, there’s parts of me I don’t like that are ugly. Oh, but He alone brings my heart true joy. He’s brought me a new perspective and removed some scales off my eyes – among the other things my King is doing.
