This month came with new teams, new ministry, and a new country. Because of the changes, a whole new set of concepts to learn have been brought to the surface. I love months like this- change is hard, frustrating, exciting, and it always brings growth.
We’ve also been blessed with an abundance of wifi this month. Our hostel has it, every cafe, every restaurant.. wifi is always available. Now, there are many other lessons that can come just from the fact that wifi binges happen… but that’s for another day. In this case, wifi has brought on several questions I’ve been asking myself.
In the past month, I’ve gotten to text, Facebook, and Skype several friends and family members. It’s awesome! I love getting to connect with the people I love back home- to tell them the cool things God does daily, struggles, joys, etc. However, every time I Skype with someone, I’m overwhelmed with how much I don’t know about the person on the other side. We have gone months without talking about real things. Big events have happened in their lives, small things add up to major changes, and a quick snapchat or text message doesn’t exactly tell you what’s going on in their hearts. And more often than not, whenever I ask someone what’s been going on in their world, I get the answer, “Oh, you know, same old thing.”
Actually, I don’t know. I sincerely want to know what you’ve been doing at your job lately, what you did with your friends last weekend, how you spent your Easter, what you’ve been learning, what God’s been doing in your life. I am bombarded with the feeling that people back home somehow view my journey as more important than theirs- that whatever they are going through can’t be as monumental as what’s going on in mine. I have this feeling that people view me as unapproachable and unrelateable because of where I’ve been. All of a sudden I feel trapped inside the “crazy Jesus-loving Christian missionary” box, and people around me have to hide parts of their lives because they don’t think I’ll approve.
Yes, God is doing crazy things in my heart. I’ve gotten to see and experience parts of this world that many people won’t get to. I’ve lived in an incredible community that is so opposite of this world. But none of that places me on a pedestal. None of it makes me holier than thou in any sort of way. I still make mistakes on the daily. I’m nowhere near perfection. I hurt people’s feelings. I don’t always follow God’s lead, and I am known to put my agenda ahead of God’s.
And after 7 and a half months of the Race, I’m still Caitlin. I still think puns are hilarious, and I still laugh at a good “that’s what she said” joke. I still see hazelnut lattes and cookie dough as a legitimate love language. I don’t always listen to Christian music. I still stress out during a KU basketball game. I still love my nieces more than anyone else on the planet (not sorry). And I still enjoy going out with friends for a drink.. or, *gasp* more than one drink.
Lately, life after the Race has been on my mind a lot. Obviously, I’m wondering what the heck God wants me to do for a career, but mostly just about life. The fact that I’ll be taken away from my crazy L Squad family and dropped back into life back home. One of my biggest fears lately has been that I will be viewed differently, that I’ll be put into a box. That I will be treated differently. That I will be put in the category of “judgemental Christian” or the one who won’t understand. I fear that people around me will feel like they can’t be themselves or openly share their thoughts.
And when those thoughts break my heart, I keep asking myself one question. What does it look like to maintain my identity back home along with my newly found identity in Christ?
I know that this blog doesn’t exactly come full circle. I’m asking myself questions, making them public, and then not having a revelation from God at the end of the blog to provide closure. And that’s kind of how life has been this year. God poses questions in my heart and then the answers don’t always come right away. I’m just trusting that they will come. I also want to clarify that these questions didn’t come from just one conversation- they’ve been brought to the surface as a result of several chats along with my own thoughts about coming home. I know this year has brought a lot of change in my heart and I’m honestly just trying to figure it all out. Bear with me!
On another note, I mentioned that I’m on a new team this month! All of the men are on the same team doing “manistry”. I imagine they’re chopping down trees, having burping contests, and lifting heavy objects. As a result, the rest of us ladies were mixed up and thrown into new teams. I’m excited to introduce to you Team Decision!
These chicks seriously rock. I’ve been with them for about 2 weeks, and I’ve already grown to know and love them so much. They have a fire for Jesus, a passion for serving, and a desire to grow and learn. We’ve jumped into this month with excitement and drive, and we don’t want to waste any time. Then, the coolest part about this month- while the rest of the squad is in Albania as according to plan, Team Decision crossed the border and we’re living in MACEDONIA! We are doing Unsung Heroes this month, meaning we don’t have a set ministry contact, rather, we are seeking out new contacts for future racers. We are in charge of finding our own lodging, creating our own schedule, seeking the Lord for every decision. We allow God to direct our footsteps every single day- we meet in the morning and decide what our day will look like, discuss any meetings set up with potential contacts, research organizations and churches, do cultural activities to learn more about where we’re living, etc. God has already done incredible things, and I can’t wait to see how the rest of the month turns out!
Thanks for reading! Send me any questions.. or life updates.. or what you ate for lunch.. or whether you’ve been to Classic Bean or Blackbird lately.. or if your dog did something silly.. Ok, cool.
xo, Caitlin
