Can you care too much? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes you can give yourself away so fully that there is nothing left. Sometimes it takes a little time to be filled up again, to heal from all of the scars and burdens you have taken upon yourself…especially if you are on your own…your own strength, your own compassion, your own love. It is not enough, it will never be enough.
I am exhausted. I am tired of caring. It is the worst feeling in the world. How did it come to this? I am in Africa of all places. There is so much that needs to be cared for here. I am empty, I have nothing left to give, and I am all poured out.
I have carried burdens around and piled them up so high that they became so heavy. So I put them down to rest…and I haven’t gotten back up.
But then God saw me sitting there, not wanting to get back up. He said,
“Why are you carrying all those burdens?”
I thought it was what He wanted. We bear one another’s burdens. If I help carry other people’s burdens then maybe it won’t weigh them down so much.
“Where are you going with all those burdens? What will you do with them?”
I thought they would get lighter with time. But I guess it never works that way. They might get heavier.
“You can carry one another’s burdens but if you keep them you will wander around in circles with them until you can’t go on anymore. They will never be gone…until you give them to Me. I am the only one big enough, strong enough to carry all those burdens.”
I don’t have enough strength or compassion or love. I empty out so quickly. My capacity for these things is only a small cup in God’s ocean of overabundance. When I rely on his strength there will always be enough.
He will not rip these burdens from our hands. He waits for us to let go. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we slowly open our hands, but He will not take them until they are freely given. I need to learn to let go. Let go of even my own strength.
Sometimes being filled up takes longer than I would like, but God made us human. He knows our weaknesses and He created our needs. He will always meet them. I will be filled again and it will be better than before, because I do not have to carry burdens anymore. It leaves room to carry so many other things!
"Though youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint." Isaiah 40: 30-31
I wrote this blog about two weeks ago in Kitale, Kenya. Today I am in Nairobi for month 8 debreif. God has given me such joy and freedom from many of the things I have been carrying around. Waiting on the Lord DOES renew strenght. He will not leave you hungry and weak. He cares for His children and has given me eveything I can posssibly need. All I need to do is sit back and rest in HIm.
