It feels weird. Being at home again. Cramming most of the stuff I have accumulated over the past 5 years into a spare room at my mom’s house. No job, no apartment. It’s easy to feel like some of my independence has been stripped away. I am no longer able to define myself by things I used to- a career, my role at my church, my own place. I haven’t lived with my parents since high school and it’s almost like coming back I feel like I am still expected to fit the same mold, but the problem is that I’m not the same person anymore and I don’t fit. Not that my parents expect me to be the same person- I think its more self imposed, as odd as that may be.
Anyways, I look around at all this stuff and I try to imagine a year from now when I will be coming home from the world race. And I wonder what it will be like to come home to this. Will it be a reminder of fond memories and old comforts? Or will it feel like a mold I can’t fit into anymore?
I’m trying to focus on just being present and enjoying time with family and friends. Some days I’m better about it than others. My mind is usually always running off somewhere else. Sometimes I am so anxious to be whom I hope to be after this next year that I can hardly stand who I am now at times. I know this isn’t the point. I know it is a process and if I think I will be exactly who I want to be after this next year I am in for a rough wake up call. I know this. I’m working on it and realizing every part of the journey is part of the sanctification process.
I just started this great book called ‘If You Find This Letter’ by Hannah Brencher. It’s about this girl (Hannah) who moved to New York City right after college. When New York turned out to be a little less glamorous than she expected and a little overwhelming for a girl still trying to figure it all out she started to become lonely and depressed. She notices a woman on the subway one day who looks like she feels the same way. So Hannah decides to write her a letter. After realizing that this made her feel better she started leaving love letters all over the city.
Y’all, this book speaks to my heart. First of all I have a weird love for letters, handwritten notes, and just language in general. Also, if you know me well at all, you know I love a good inspirational quote. There is just something so beautiful about a complete stranger being able to put words to how you feel. Secondly, the most treasured thing I have ever received from my dad was a letter he wrote me last year. He is not the most overtly emotional person so the fact that he took the time to do that meant a lot to me. I remember sobbing uncontrollably the first three times I read it. It wasn’t even a particularly sad letter, but there is something about writing things down. It takes some of the walls away, things feel a bit more honest and raw. Maybe because it’s easier than saying things in person. And third, I love the idea behind her letters. To love people and let them know that they are worthy of love. To try to make someone’s day a little better. When I think of the year ahead I think of it as a year to just love on people. To love on them like Jesus loves on us. To be a light. To try to make someone’s day just a little better.
Anyways, in true Caitlin form, I will leave you with a quote from the beginning of the book: “Whether you’ve struggled with loneliness. Or worthlessness. Or connection in a disconnected world. This story is for you. It’s written for anyone who’s been afraid to turn off their phone at night or say goodbye come morning. To the winners. And the losers. And above all, the dreamers. For the ones with yellow roses on their countertops and strong caffeinated drinks in their hands. For the ones who still miss Whitney Houston or struggle at night over the reasons why they’re here. This book is for anyone who has ever believed their smallness could not serve others. For anyone who grapples to fit within a world that doesn’t always hold them so dearly. “
Holding you closer than most,
Cait
