apathy
ap·a·thy
—noun,
plural -thies.
1.
Absence or suppression of passion,
emotion, or excitement.
2.
Lack of interest in or concern for
things that others find moving or exciting.
What had
happened to me? Where had
all my passion gone? I came home
from the race, the most life-changing, impactful, passion-filled year of my
life tired, burnt-out, struggling, passionless, numb. For lack of a better word I was apathetic. It was slow, I didn’t noticed my
excited and purpose filled spirit depart from me, but it did. I didn’t see that the very things I had
taught and demonstrated all year long seemed to be near impossible to do now. Little by little I missed my quiet
times, I was worshiping less, I was not taking every thought captive, I started
to feel lost with no direction. I
lost touch with listening to the Lord’s voice. Doubt, fear, worry, confusion, sadness, numbness and
then it was there: Apathy began to rear its ugly little head. I mean lets face it, even if I had just
traveled the world I still was unemployed, living with mom and dad, with NO
IDEA where my life was headed.
I could feel it
surrounding me, enveloping me like quick-sand. The more I struggled and fought, the more I tried to do it
myself, on my own, the deeper and more entrapped I became. I was stuck, left not knowing which
direction to turn. Yes, I know,
the “Christian� answer is Jesus.
Caitlin, turn to Jesus. I
knew the right answer but I was still trying and struggling to doing it on my
own rather than just surrendering and resting in Him. Sometimes the right answer is a lot easier said than
done. I would ask God to speak,
but only hear silence. I would cry
out for direction and would have no clear path. I would beg for the passion in my heart to return and yet apathy
was still there mocking me every step I took.
And then it happened…
The still small
whisper. My heart began to beat a
little faster at the voice of my Savior I so longed to hear. Was that really God? Caitlin, trust that you know his voice… And so during high school youth group
this week I spoke. I spoke
the word the Lord had given me and as the words came off my lips it was as if the
Lord was filling up my heart again with His streams of living water. I could feel it, His heart beat
in my chest, His words coming of my tongue, His breath breathing life into me. The joy of the Lord and the peace of His spirit. It was small only a moment sharing a
scripture that the Lord laid on my heart, but it revived something that had
died deep within my soul. It reminded me that I do hear His voice,
I am filled with His spirit, and I bring encounters with the Living God to others around me.
I would love to
tell you that the answers to all the questions I have right now came flooding
over me. That I know where I ‘m
headed, I have a job, and that I’m so on fire that nothing can stop me. I choose to give you the vulnerable
truth instead. I am a mess and I
really don’t have it all figured out.
But I know that God loves my mess and He is big enough to handle
it. I know that this is a
season. I know that soon enough,
in the right timing I will hear His voice prompting me in the right
direction. Until then, I will be
trusting, hoping, praying, expecting, and waiting in the silence. Waiting until I once again hear the
whisper of His still small voice.
