I know, I have been silent,
completely off the radar, MIA, and after re-reading my last blog post almost 3
months ago I realize that many of you must think I am in very precarious
place. I am here to set the record
straight and fill you in on, well, my life and what God is doing with it. So here goes…
I must admit that coming home and
adjusting back into American life was exceptionally hard for me. I had seen, experienced, grown, and
changed so much that I didn’t quite know how to be me in my own life. Let me explain… The race began to be
normal for me. The life that looked like absolute craziness and chaos to an
outsider was now comfortable and felt like my favorite pair of old
pajamas. I could count on moving
all the time, on being dirty, living out of a pack, serving the Lord each day,
being pored into by people that I had come to consider family. I was comfortable in my life being
abundant spiritually and lacking materially. I was comfortable knowing that no two days would look the
same. Then all of a sudden I was
surrounded the overwhelming culture of American consumerism, entitlement, and
routine. I no longer had my
community. It felt like I was
ripped from a life in which I was fully alive and thriving and placed in the
middle of a dry foreign land in which I felt like a stranger. I was submerged in a world of choices.
Freedom to choose anything I wanted to wear, have anything I wanted to eat, and
spend my time in which ever way I pleased. It became a continuous succession of overwhelming moments
with constant bombardments of anything other than God begging for my
attention. What scared me the most
was that America hadn’t changed, I had.
But instead of taking life by the horns and living the refined, more
grounded, passionately spirit filled, happier, and healthier version of myself
I had become over the last year, I retreated into numbness and thoughts of
confusion and doubt.
But the Lord is not a God of
confusion and He didn’t give me all this freedom and passion for me to retreat
while slowly dying inside myself.
Even before I recognized it, God was gently speaking, providing,
guiding, and loving me so sweetly.
He was using this season in the desert to draw me closer to His
heart. All of the things I was
panicked I would never find here in Springfield, Mo have all but fallen in my
lap. Community, friendships,
opportunities to serve, a job, direction, even provision of things I would have
liked to have but didn’t necessarily need.
Here is what I have learned in the
last few months. My faith is no
longer based on my emotions and how I feel. My roots have grown deep, to the point where I know I need
Him desperately, especially if it feels like He isn’t there. For the first time with the exception
of the race, I chose to seek Him when it wasn’t easy to do so. I can worship because He is God and not
because I am overwhelmed by His presence.
I have learned I can live following His voice, doing ministry each and
every day HERE. I don’t need to be
overseas to serve Him. I serve
because IT’S WHO I AM; an aspect of my
identity that God engrafted in my being at the time He created me. My life
is simply a reflection of His love, grace, and mercy and I get the honor of
living that out NO MATTER WHERE HE HAS PLACED ME, even if it is in America and
in the bible belt where everyone has a least heard the gospel. In some respects living out my faith
has been more of a challenge here in the states. I have met person after person who is culturally Christian
and yet their lives don’t reflect or project God’s love and the relationship
they have with Jesus. I have to
fight each and every day to keep my walk with the Lord dynamic, moving,
breathing, impactful. My life
right now may not be as exciting as rafting the Nile and sharing Jesus in the
villages of Africa, but there is need here too. It may not be the desperation of physical needs that are
glaringly obvious in the depths of poverty; it is a need more subtle, but far
more deadly than that. It is the
need for believers to stop waiting for pastor and missionaries to be the ones
to go and start living out the gospel in their everyday lives. It is a need for people to be
reawakened to the abundant life Jesus calls us to live. It is a need for people to worship the
Lord with their lives rather than sing songs and listen to sermons on
Sunday. There is great need, a
need that breaks my heart knowing there are so many people who are missing the
fullness of what it means to be a Christian; to bear the name of Christ. Oh yes, there is such a need right here
in America.
So there it is. This is my life. It is imperfect and messy. It is impossibly unpredictable. I stumble more than I would like to
admit. But God loves my mess and I’m called, I’m equipped, and I’m living for Him.
