I am writing this on an overnight bus to Malaysia for month 8 of the World Race! We spent month 7 in a Thai village called Chaiprakan. My team worked at a ministry called Sila Home, which is a home for children who are orphaned, in danger of being trafficked, or whose parents can’t care for them. It was a month filled with sweet kids, laughs with teammates, and great food.
Despite all of that, it was one of the hardest months of the Race for me. During the days, while the kids were at school, we dug up grass with hoes in the high 90s Thai heat. The purpose was to clear out overgrown grass, which frustrated my type A efficiency because the same task that took 8 girls weeks to complete could’ve been done with a lawnmower in a couple hours.
More generally, I was tired. But even though I was calloused and sore, it wasn’t physical exhaustion that got to me. It was exhaustion of spirit. It was months of pouring out and serving and being uncomfortable. It was a million little things that had accumulated, leaving me worn down and fed up. It felt like I was lifting a heavy weight, and I was too weak to try and lift the weight anymore.
My prayers were “save me” prayers. I didn’t want out of the Race, but I wanted out of all that it was putting in my path. I wanted the energy and fire that I once had. I begged God for it and was frustrated when he didn’t give it to me.
I was ecstatic when our ministry ended a few days early and my friend, Christina, and I got to go visit a friend of hers in Bangkok. We were picked up from the airport in a brand new BMW, treated to an expensive steak dinner, and taken to our own guest room in her beautiful home. We toured the city, strolled around high-end malls, and had drinks at a bar on top of a skyscraper. We were spoiled with luxuries beyond belief.
Situationally, I was lifted out of the pit of despair that I viewed myself to be in. But as I sat on the 40th floor rooftop overlooking the Bangkok skyline, my mind wandered. I thought about the past 7 months of my life—the people, the moments of trial and hardship, and the moments of experiencing the Father’s love like never before.
I was physically on top of the world, but my heart was elsewhere. I wanted to go back down. Salvation from situation was not what I needed. God was what I needed, and he tends to dwell in slums more than skyscrapers.
The funny thing about my hard month was that I had some of the most intimate moments with my Father that I’ve ever had before. But I was so preoccupied with my flesh that I couldn’t see the beauty that He was working in my heart. If I’m going to wait to be energized and excited about everything in life, I’m never going to be content. Abundant life isn’t found is the divine arrangement of circumstances, but in God’s presence in the chaos and in the pit.
It’s a choice to say “it is well” in the midst of struggle. The World Race may be crazy and exciting, but it’s still every day life, and life isn’t easy. It’s a daily decision to believe that relationship with the Father is all I need. When novelty and glamour is gone, all that’s left is Jesus, and I choose every day for that to be enough.
