Someone asked me today if I was scared to go and it got me thinking. I am scared to go, but I am more scared not to go.
The truth is I have
lived most of my life in fear. I pretend to be tough
when really all I want to do is crumble. The amazing thing is His grace steps
in each day and takes a little of that fear away. Sometimes it feels like
God and I are two stepping. One step forward two steps back we have a good
rhythm going. God knows how much I love to dance:)
I’ve lived most of my life feeling incomplete and insecure. I start things again and again and quit, because I believe I am not good enough. I’ve bought into the lies of the
world and the lies of the enemy. I’ve believed because of my past God can’t use
me in the present. I know today that is not true.
I am a new creation(2 Cor 5:17)
In my own strength I am weak and insecure, but through Christ I am a strong confident woman of God. There is something God is doing in me that needs to be released into the world.
It’s not so much that I need to go, because I am going do great things. It’s the opposite I know God is going to do great things in me. My heart has been heavy and burden for a long time and I am ready to release that. I must go, because he has called me. Today I trust that. He is using all things for His glory and I finally see that.
I must go because he is doing something in me, but if I don’t give it away I lose it. My experiences of pain, loneliness and addiction were for nothing if I cannot reach out and love someone in their brokenness. I have seen so much darkness in the world. I have listened to awful stories of how sin destroys life. I can’t not go. I can’t keep what’s inside of me to myself.
I know it won’t be easy but nothing worth it is ever easy. I want to do things that without God seem impossible. I don’t want to fear anymore, because I know perfect love casts out fear. As Francis Chan says in his book Forgotten God, “I don’t want to keep crawling when I have the ability to fly”.
So it’s my time. I must fly. Even when times get tough I don’t want to quit, because He is doing something in me. Something wonderful.
