Last night I went to this amazing candelight late night AA meeting. Sitting down stairs with fellow addicts and alcoholics gave me the strength to crawl out of my pit. As we celebrated huge victories of 30 days, 60 days, and one day sober I was reminded of my old life. I was reminded of all the pain I felt coming into my first meeting and the joy of celebrating those first 30 days. I was reminded that I too could go back out there to the pain, hurt, shame, and who knows if I would make it back.
As I spoke last night I talked about the battle between ” Emo Caitlin and Hippie I want to save the world Caitlin”. I talked about how we would never treat another human being the way we treat ourselves. I spoke from the heart about my struggles. Realizing if I do not take care of myself and allow God’s love to speak to me I cannot help anyone else. As I went upstairs after the meeting my friend put “I am my own worst enemy ” on the jukebox. As I headbanged around to a song I don’t even like I thought about how that song can ring so true to me and countess others.
As I woke this morning I decided I would not waste this day stuck in the pit. I decided once again to face life and the best place to start is with a cup of coffee, your bible, and a book by a dead priest. As I opened up Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation I came across this passage:
” For how can I receive the seeds of freedom if I am in love with slavery and how can I cherish the desire of God if I am filled with another and an oppossite desire? God cannot plant His liberty in me because I am a prisoner and I do not even desire to be free. I love my captivity and I imprision myself in the desire for the things I hate, and I have hardened my heart against true love. I must learn therefore let go of the familiar and the usual and consent to what is new and unknown to me. I must learn to “leave myself” in order to find myself by yielding to the love of God.”
– Thomas Merton New Seeds Of Contemplation
– Thomas Merton New Seeds Of Contemplation
How often do we love to be in slavery? I know I usually don’t admit this, but there is a part of me that loves being enslaved. Afterall it’s what’s familiar. It’s scary to say I want a new life. It’s scary to surrender to God’s will, but it’s in surrender that I find my acceptance. It’s in leaving the old life and clinging to the new life that freedom takes place. I know today I want to be free.
If I forgot my desire for freedom I am thankful that God shows me what freedom and slavery look like everytime I walk into a meeting.
