…when people are kind and offer to treat me to coffee it makes my skin crawl. Seriously.
I get awkward.
Like really awkward.
Like first date awkward.
(Now just imagine how even more awkward I actually am on first dates. YIKES. But that’s another blog post.)
In these situations, or others like them, I feel like I’m taking advantage of that person’s kindness when I am perfectly capable of buying my own cup of coffee.
See, I grew up in a home where it was always taught that you didn’t stay past your welcome, you never invited yourself over for dinner, and if you wanted something shiny and expensive, you worked hard and saved up to get it. This translated into every aspect of life. You want that good grade? Study your butt off. You want to nail that triple pirouette? Practice until your feet fall off. You want to play that instrument so you don’t sound like a dying animal? Practice, practice, practice.
We were taught to never expect anyone to cut us any slack or do us any favors. We were taught that it is never an option to ride on the coat tails of someone else’s efforts.
There are many great lessons to be learned here. My parents did a great job trying to mold my sister and I into wildly independent and hard working women. And gosh darn, it worked and I am forever grateful that my parents invested these valuable life-lessons into us.
But in my human nature, I have noticed that in my adulthood, I have taken these well-meant and positive lessons and given them somewhat of a negative spin. Asking for help from people has never been something I wanted or needed to do. I also still never want to feel like I am burdening someone or “putting them out”. I have always said that I would rather eat top ramen and sleep in my car than ask for financial help or move home with my parents (not that I don’t love them dearly…love you Mom and Dad!). I just adore that I can provide for myself in every physical way and that I don’t have to rely on anyone. In my mind, it is also confirmation, that I am finally an adult. I believe this is why I feel so uncomfortable letting someone pay for my coffee. Even though this is never the intention, it makes me feel like I’m back in high school and incapable, less-than.
The main reason I am sharing this is because now, God is leading me into a season of life where the road to get there is paved with $16,961, an amount of money I cannot possibly provide myself. He is challenging me to support-raise an extremely large amount of money and trust that He will provide in order for me to participate in what I have already said yes to. And you know what He has been teaching me?
I am prideful.
Look at me on my high horse because I left my parent’s house at 18 and got an amazing full-time job in my field of choice straight out of college. I am holding onto this like it gives me some sort of worth.
Ouch. That hurt a bit.
But, Praise God that He is continually refining me.
The thing is, I have no problem recognizing that I am weak, incapable and letting Him step in and provide in many situations, including this one. However, that is just it, I am okay with HIM stepping in.
I am missing something huge.
God is in the business of using His people as part of His plan to reconcile the world back to Him.
Is that not the goal of my World Race? To be the hands and feet of Jesus?
Jesus has been showing me that I need to swallow my pride and humbly not only acknowledge my need of God’s help and ask for it but additionally, I must receive it as it is given. And there is an overwhelming possibility that it will be given through His children.
I need to let people “be Christ to me” in my support-raising so that I may go and “be Christ to the people” we will be serving on my World Race.
God is teaching me that receiving from His people on His behalf doesn’t mean that I am less-than. In fact, it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with a God that answers prayers and loves me more than I can comprehend.
I am reminded of the story where Jesus got down and washed the feet of the disciples. I have always placed myself in the position of Jesus, as the servant-leader, in that story. But, as I have sat with Jesus, He has asked me what it would have been like to be in the seat of the disciples? Would I have refused to let Jesus wash my feet because I could do it myself and wanted to prove that I could? Or would I have let Jesus love me like a Good Father does not only for my benefit but also so that I could partake in His much grander story that was unfolding all around me?
So much love,
Cait
To pay for training, food, housing, lodging, and insurance, I need to raise $16,961. Would you consider partnering with me on my support team? If so, click Support Me in the sidebar.
