No more front, its time to get dirty.
I’m overwhelmed.
Running low on joy.
Wondering if the World Race really is what the Lord has for me.
In denial that I have to say bye to my precious students.
Not wanting to leave my community that I’ve been so blessed to be apart of.
Pride is overtaking my heart – which is interfering with my dreams.
I’m lacking faith & trust in the Lord – the One who stands faithful in all.
In short – i’m a mess.
One month until launch. One month until ill be reunited with people who have become dear friends. One month until my dreams become reality & this is my hearts posture. I was sharing the surface of my heart with my small group leader and she said, “Remember who your Daddy is, He’s going to take care of you Cait. Don’t worry yourself to death.”I hadn’t even hit the depths of what I was/still am feeling & she knew I wasn’t okay. That if I continued down this path I was going to worry myself to the point of being spiritually dead.
The problem is…I already hit that point.
I’m not sure where it began – but I started taking things into my own hands. Trying to handle situations using my own strength & wisdom. Trekking alone day by day forgetting or not wanting to spend time in the secret place. I’ve become so consumed with worry, doubt, & what ifs that I forgot who the supplier of my needs is. I forgot that the Lord makes everything beautiful just in time. I would sit with my bible open trying to press in & listen to the Lord but each worry would invade my thoughts. Which led me to close my bible & walk away. I could give my worries to the Lord – the problem is I lack trust.
What if I don’t meet this coming deadline? What if He doesn’t provide for my needs?
Will He take care of my family when i’m gone?
What about my students? How do I just say bye?
What if my squad doesn’t come close to the community I have here?
So many questions plagued my mind, each one stealing my joy. The what behind the questions are things I treasure dearly. So in a way to ‘guard’ my heart I began setting my heart up for the worst outcome, not leaving room for the Lord to come through. Without realizing it I began directing my own path because I wanted control. Control meant I could keep myself from getting hurt, from feeling disappointed. Well, so I thought – it was a battle between my flesh & spirit. But you know what – my assurance & rest isn’t found in my ability & strength but in Him. Only Him.
My Heart is still beat up & numb. I’m still so scared I wont meet this deadline which then means I wouldn’t be able to launch with my squad. I’m still dreaming of what my life could potentially look like if I didn’t go on the race. Involvement at my church could increase, I wouldn’t have to say bye to my students, I could help my family, etc. That’s playing it safe though & playing it safe isn’t what I was created for. I was created to walk into deep waters, to walk into the unknown, to raise the dead, to speak life into dry bones, to go from glory to glory – while walking hand in hand with Jesus. Though I still have doubt & worry in my heart i’m choosing to hold onto His promises. I’m choosing to trust Him – to give Him control – to lay my worries at His feet & proclaim His goodness & faithfulness.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all our comfort. He comfort us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation!” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
I still need $1,500ish to meet my next deadline on the 18th. Please partner in prayer with me & speak in faith that all that I need will come in quickly. Thanks family & friends!
