While on the race there have been moments that have torn my heart apart. Most times I can't describe what I saw or how I felt. Normally I find myself pushing these moments aside and not processing them. How does one process seeing children dig through your trash & then when they find an empty tuna can, watching them lick it for anything that may be left? All the while you're inside eating a tuna sandwich.
I haven't blogged about these moments or shared them with anyone at home. How can you? They have caused me to question the way I lived in America and sometimes even on the race. While on the race I'm forced to live a very simple life. All my belongings fit in a 65 liter backpack & I live off of $5 a day. Simple. But even that is often more then what others have around the world. When I'm caught in one of those situations I feel a wave of emotions – guilt, overwhelming sadness, sick to my stomach, & yet hope.
I'm thankful my eyes are no longer blinded to the depravity around the world. In America it's things you hear about, learn about, but until you see it with your own eyes it's still as if it's not real. Now when I see commercials about starving children in Africa I'll think of a little girl named Hope. Her belly was so bloated & rock hard. She wore tattered clothing and smelled of urine. She maybe got one meal a week – if someone felt inclined to feed her. Or I'll see all the faces of the little children from Malawi. They were promised a bowl of porridge M-F if they came to nursery school. For most of them that was their only meal per day.
When sex trafficking comes up in conversation I'll think of the women's faces I saw looking out of the window down at me when I was praying outside the brothel. Maybe the faces of the children I got to spend my days with in Thailand will come to mind – they were all rescued out of sex trafficking. Or perhaps the memory of one night in El Salvador when I was talking to a guy standing on the corner & then he had to go because a client pulled up.
When friends bring up Mozambique I know my heart will sink inside. I'll no longer just think of Heidi Baker's ministry but instead I'll remember all the villages I was able to visit. How every little kid had a baby chitangaed to their back that they looked after. I'll remember the sounds of drums playing at night by witch doctors. Their way of worshiping satan. I'll remember watching a church congregation eating bread that was completely covered in mold with joy & thankfulness.
When I'm bandaging a child's scraped knee the memories of street kids in Cambodia will flood my mind. The only medical treatment they received was when the bus ministry was near them. Some had wounds from getting run over by a car, stepping on glass, or digging through trash. Wounds that, if your child had them, they would immediately be taken to the hospital. These kids though knew no different – they just dealt with them. I'll remember how hard it was for me to bandage their wounds without breaking down but instead having to smile.
You see the race is full of beautiful, unbelievable moments but it's also full of heart wrenching terrible moments. Even now as I sit writing this blog I'm in tears remembering each moment, they're so real to me that I can feel them. These are moments I'll treasure and hold close to my heart. Because though I'm unsure of how to process them my only hope is knowing God sees them. It's in those moments where my trust is tested the most – do I trust The Lord loves them even when they have horrible circumstances? Do I trust He will provide for them? Do I trust He has beautiful plans for them? My answer? Yes. Just yes – I can't explain why those things happen because I don't know. But I know our God is faithful & has unending love for His people. I also know He will carry my heart through those moments trusting that I'll trust Him in the midst of them.
So though those moments are hard and happen quite often. I don't want a heart that is hardened towards it & thinks – "Oh just another day & sad situation." I want my heart to break each time – to feel what God feels. I want to be so broken that the only thing I can do is pray on those people's behalf. Friends & Family – pray my heart doesn't build walls, & soaks in each moment. Pray that I don't push these moments down but instead take them to The Lord in prayer. After all His love is far deeper for them then mine.
