World Race month 4, Philippines. Two of our teams are stationed here in Bulacan so that totals eleven girls in one house. A lot of us have been working through insecurities this month. Learning how to be honest with ourselves about the lies we believe and bring others in to this healing process. We’ve got it all in this mess. Issues of personality frustrations, weaknesses, pride, feelings of being unworthy or unnoticed, insecurities with body image and beauty. Its all here.
I cannot think of a better group of Godly women to work through difficult life issues with. My strategy:
- Recognize the lies I believe about myself
- pray
- Find truth and scripture to speak over myself. Know what God saysabout me
- pray
- Bring it to the light. Talk with people I trust about what I am are struggling with
- pray
- Continue to repeat truth to myself and check in with my safe sources
- More prayer. God’s got this.
However, this is often a long and difficult process. Just as soon as you make a break though Satan will do all he can to real you back in to believing your own set of lies. When we truly walk out our lives in the freedom of who God has made us to be we are very dangerous to the evil of this world. I dare say most insecurities are bred out of an air of comparison and trigger our jealous natures which reaps us of our joy and freedom. So, here we are in the Philippines this month making progress on our insecurities and working through our rough patches. Those of you who know me very well will know that I struggled for years with an eating disorder and I’ve always struggled with body image. After a lot of counseling and a few years of really fighting hard for victory over this I am light years better, but there are days that are more difficult than others. I ebb in and out of seasons of confidence and seasons of insecurity in this area. All this to say that it seems whenever I am feeling confident, secure, and healthy something happens to set me back a bit.
Out here on the race there is not much we have control over. Our days are greatly mapped out for us by our ministry hosts. Some days are very busy some days are very slow. This can be true of entire months as well. Sometimes there is hardly any time to think because so much needs to get done and other months a lot of ‘twiddling of the thumbs’ takes place. Some months we have showers, running water, and we are clean, other months we are stinky and sweaty and have no way to get clean. The same is true of our diet. Some months we have control over what we eat, other months not so much. Sometimes I feel very much in control and healthy or clean and other times not so much.
So here I am working along side the ladies I am living with to rid ourselves of insecurities, learn how to truly be comfortable being ourselves, and see ourselves the way God sees us and then this happens:
A sweet Filipino girl looks at me while we are on a walk and says ‘can I ask you a question?’. Of course I answered ‘yes, ask away’. What she said next was not a question. It was a statement. She proceeded to tell me that ‘some people here think you’re a boy’. ‘Hmmmmmm’ I replied. And let the conversation go. This didn’t surprise me at all. In fact, I had joked about this myself amongst my team and even in the moment it was embarrassing but funny as well. Here is why her statement is understandable: Due to the ministry dress code I have to have all tattoos covered, knees covered, and shoulders covered, but it is in the 90’s and humid every day and we are working outside in the sun being active. So my daily attire consists of running shoes, high black socks to cover my tattoos, long dark green basket ball shorts to cover my knees, and an old t-shirt that is too big on me and has a few holes, but is good for working our doors and covers me well. I also put a hat on over my hair to hide how greasy and sweat I get and to shield my face from the sun. This plus sunglasses and a naturally short, thick stature and I suppose I do look like a twelve-year-old boy. Especially next to these dainty, little Filipino teens who walk around in skirts and cute tops every day. So I find myself about to turn twenty-five, I am in my prime days, here, of being young, attractive, healthy, and youthful and I have successfully become a twelve-year-old boy. So much for feeling secure in my looks! I say this in humor.
The Lord has really been providing opportunities for my personality to shine through here and lift me up in those moments. So what if I am called to live in a way that makes me look like a little boy for a month (maybe a couple months). This is the season of life I am in and I know this will not always be the case. I know there will come a day in my future where I will be clean, healthy, and well dressed again. With any luck, I will smell good again too. But, for now, if I find myself having to look like a little boy to accomplish kingdom work by teaching the people around me how to be comfortable being themselves in life then so be it. I know God looks down upon me and thinks I am beautiful, and I’m not out here trying to attract anyone so what’s the harm? One day, hopefully, I will have a man in my life who will want to marry me and when that happens I know he will look at me and find me beautiful. Knowing these things is enough for now.
There is a time and a season for all things. Right now I am learning that being yourself is much better, sweeter, and more beautiful than being a magazine cover. I will say, though, that I did go straight home, took a shower, let my hair down, and put on something pink. I just needed too!
So, if you find yourself struggling with some difficult insecurities know that God looks at you, smiles, and sees a beautiful and wonderful creation that he has plans for. In light of eternity and kingdom work if I must spend a portion of my twenties feeling like I look like a chubby little boy, so be it. God is molding my character in glories ways because of it.
My declaration of freedom: I am beautifully and wonderfully made and I have the power to capture the attention of the God of the universe and please him just simply by being me.
That’s true for you too.
