Month seven brings many a conflicting feeling. July, so far, has been a month of fulfillment and reflection. Rwanda is more than I ever imagined. I didn’t know I had expectations and yet I find myself surprised every day by something new. I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life for this place, like God is fulfilling some sort of agreement with my soul that they made behind my back. I always thought it would be cool to go to Africa and I supported people who went and even admired their selflessness. But I never had a burning desire myself. Now I cannot imagine not coming back here and dragging everyone who is willing along with me.
We’re officially on the other side of the hump. We’ve only got 4 months left. With that fresh on my mind I’ve spent a good amount of time reflecting on my year and about as much time dreaming about life after the race. There are just so many things that I want to do and I finally have the confidence to pursue them. God has really been challenging me to listen to what HE wants. That’s difficult when my voice is much chattier than his.
I was prompted by a teammate to take these ideas to the Lord and really take into consideration what each one would do for furthering the Kingdom. I put a lot of them in my journal in Malaysia and it freaked me out because I was able to justify each one. I have always believed that you can serve God and the Kingdom in anything you do. I still believe this, however, I don’t think God is the author of every desire and dream we have. I think sometimes we dream up our own and deciphering which is which has been my favorite pastime this month.
Some of my dreams are simply eating something other than beans and rice. I have a reoccurring nightmare that I get home and Taco Bell has gone out of business. It doesn’t stop there either, I’d say probably half of my thoughts on home are related to food. Honestly, I would chop off my fingers one by one and sell them for a home cooked meal at this point. I'm looking forward to December, but at the same time I sit at meal time with my team and laugh so hard and as I'm catching my breath I realize I am in love with these people. It's going to be so hard to leave this lifestyle and the squad.
I don’t foresee another time in my life when I’ll be surrounded by people who are all focused on growing and becoming more Christlike 24/7. My life right now has so much purpose. I feel like I’m actually accomplishing things. I’m healing wounds I didn’t know I had, telling people about Jesus, befriending people who can’t understand a word I’m saying and I’ve never felt more at peace.
Reflection has been a big part of this month as well. I look back at the last 6 months in awe. God had bigger plans than I was even capable of fathoming. I thought this would be a trip where I ministered to people and built character along the way. Wrongo. This has been the craziest journey. My life has been seriously altered. My view of the world and people and God have been completely changed. I don’t even know how to go back and live how I lived before, not that I want to. But, I have this fear that I’ll be held to old standards and expectations.
It scares me.
Here I am free to be whoever it is that I am. My identity isn’t found in what I can bring to the team or the people we minister to. I am a daughter who walks in freedom that only Christ can give. My teammates and squad mates know and understand that because they’re living it out too.
Worship is creative, Love is freely given and Grace is a norm.
How does that carry over to the US?
How do I live that out at home?
I guess we’ll find out.
