“Sister, you rest here.” the little Cambodian nurse said to me as she pointed to a worn out padding on the floor of the dark hospital room. She wheeled my IV pole to my side & left the room.
& I lay. There on the floor. Barely able to move my arm because the IV is painfully uncomfortable, stretching from my arm on the floor to high above me on the IV bag attached to the rusty pole. Flies buzzed around me as I shivered- no blanket.
Helplessness– its seems I hadn’t truly experienced it until now. My body ached, my head was spinning, my hope was run dry. The doctors barely speak english, & you have no clue what they’re doing to you, but everything seems foreign & questionable- from the numerous shots in weird places, to the grey liquid they had me drink, to the ancient machines they used to take my vitals.
For the 1st time on this Race, a voice within me screamed “I want to go home.” & genuinely meant it.
I wanted to return to safety & comfort & health & my family who would take care of me. A negative flood of emotions rushed in & overwhelmed me. I longed to sleep in an actual bed again, & be able to speak the same language as people around me & drive alone in my car & eat cereal on the kitchen floor with my dogs & take a warm shower & be able to flush toilet paper (weird things you begin to miss.) I wanted my normal back. How much longer could I push through these difficulties?
& that’s when God hushed the winds of my thoughts with a haunting yet simple question, “Am I worth it?”
& that’s the same question every follower of Him will be asked when things get tough. It’s the same question Adam & Eve faced in the Garden before they disobeyed, & the same one Judas faced before he betrayed Jesus for money. Though, its worded differently in these instances, it’s essentially the same- “Am I worth it?” Sadly they chose no.
But Jesus gave us a new example. As He was beaten, spit on, mocked, whipped, & forced to drag his cross to the place where He was then nailed and hung to die, He was presented with this same question “Am I worth it?” & He chose yes. He saw God’s Will as worth it. Worth all the suffering. Because He knew everything God had done in the past, & He knew the Promises of what was to come, & He trusted that God works all things together for good. So He could submit to God’s Will in the midst of the moment.
So in the midst of my storm (the one that will never even come close to what Jesus endured), my present moment- whether it be laying on the floor with an IV in Cambodia, or grieving a family death, or feeling totally insecure- I can mentally rise up out of my circumstance, remember the testimony of what God’s done in my life, & hold tight to what He’s promised for my future, & realize everything is going to be okay. He gives me the strength to endure anything. So I choose yes. God you are infinitely worth it.
My prayers are that you can see life through the perspective that the victory is already won in Jesus. So when the storms come, have faith, endure, & rejoice in the confidence of the Lord!
“ Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
Xoxoxo, Brynley
