I haven’t been honest with myself, and I have let fear talk on behalf of me. I don’t know how to have a relationship with God. I thought that my heart and motives were pure, but I am thinking more and more that I don’t have a relationship with Him at all. In fact, the silent whispers in my head scream for Him to just leave me alone. My shortcomings have finally stacked, my false motives have finally poisoned my motion. Everything I thought was solid has crumbled, and the experiences that came from His hand have fluttered away with the wind of my conscience. I call out with childlike pleads, but I am shut down in silence again and again. As tears begin to flood I ask quietly, why would my savior let me go, why would he let me fade. I tried so hard, but that’s not what He wants.
It’s harder and harder to interact with people. The only time my heart is spoken is when my emotions break, the rare and few moments when I can’t even open my mouth without dying a little bit. I’m not writing for performance, or sanity, or fear. I am writing because of the glassy look in my eyes. The calm that has besieged my world. I am supposed to fight with all I have, yet works are not what saves my life. So now survival begins. After all, is keeping my life better than doing the right thing? Well I can’t do both.
I have broken legs, but I continue to chase perfection (NF “Mansion”). IT’S KILLING ME. Waiting for you God. IT’S KILLING ME. I can’t maintain this show, the weight is too much, and there is nowhere to go. My mind spins, I can’t shut it off. I thought that if I could just focus on the end, set my eyes upon heaven, then I could make it. However, is heaven attainable for me? Is heaven even an option? All that comes with my current idea of a “future” is anxiety and fear. I wish this wasn’t my reality, and some would argue that it isn’t, but I have decided it is. Does God really allow everyone the chance to enter His kingdom? Or are there some who weren’t meant to make it?
Maybe there are some people used solely as pawns in the larger picture. Cause the ultimate plan is all I hear from elders of wisdom in my life. The bigger purpose, the better plan, just hold on and it will all work out. WELL WHAT ABOUT NOW, how do I get through today, this very moment? The very one I wanted to love purely has abandoned me. I wanted it to be real, I WANT IT TO BE REAL, but it’s not.
Now here is where I stand in my “perceived pain”, the reality of this disease I have created. It doesn’t matter if I have a pristine family, a mansion house of comfort to sleep in, food beyond what my mind can comprehend, and every other need and pleasure meet, because pain is what I perceive. It is powerful because it’s unique to every one of us. It doesn’t matter that some people have it worse, because to each, it’s the worst.
Do I even have problems? I am lost to myself, I am lost to my Faith, I am lost to the only purpose I believed humanity had. I guess the glory of God will become dust in my life. A thought flashing past. Faint images streaming past a once powerful history. Is it worth continuing? Is it worth pushing on? My one hope. Where is He? Where is He. Alone I make these choices, and alone I face the consequences of my demands. Crippled by the works I made, the works of my hands. A dark fire burns my spirit, and eventually I suffocate from the smoke. I am beginning to destroy this gift, my temple.
Sometimes I see the light. Life glimpses a delight. However, the anger that built a stronghold in my heart grows furious. Aching, groaning, grieving for more, and unfortunately I have fed the beast. I have attended his meetings, and played his games. Now, dissatisfaction is my reward and a stone heart my product. How do I fix this darkness? Well. Without my God?
I now see the vicious cycle. The entrapment that makes me sick. Makes me depressed. Makes me heartbroken. Leaves me to waste. It’s my choice. What will I do? What do I do…
If you have time please listen to the song, “Mansion” by NF, featuring Fleurie, and then, “Pieces” by Amanda Cook.
*For those who this may concern, I want to allow some peace to be with you in trusting Gods continuous influence in my life. This passage is an outcry from deep within, but I want everyone to know that I am seeking as much help as possible here at Messiah, and would love to have all of your thoughts and prayers on my side through this time. Thanks for reading.
