Lately, as I explore the wonders and tribulations throughout the Old Testament, nothing but confusion and lostness has filled my mind. Especially when discovering the character of God.
How can God be so unfair? How can He be wrathful with a creation He knew everything about? There were no surprises to God, and nothing that was outside of His control. Yet humans in history, through the words of God in the bible, seemingly drive Him crazy. Everything we do, everything humans bring to the table is gripped by wickedness; and it is beginning to sound like God feels as if we are the biggest mistake He has ever made.
Luckily, before I give these testaments and biblical events a permanent place in my heart as truth, I know I must first have peace from the Lord, and dig deep into what God is teaching. So, the search continues.
It’s not often that God gives me powerful revelation, but when He does the taste is succulent. In my last blog I shared many of the racing questions I have battled concerning my identity in Christ, and for God’s general purpose for His children on earth. Many times it seems that since the beginning of time, God has been utterly disappointed with His us. Starting with Adam and Eve, to the great flood, the Israelites, and so forth until we reach present time.
However, looking back to a specific passage describing when the Israelites finally reach the promise land, God’s anger in their doubt drew me yet again to try and place myself in the shoes of the Israelites. This happens very often as I read the Old Testament. I do it as a test in order to help process what I might have done in their place. This specific event really stuck out to me. Numbers 14: 11-12 is one account of many, when God has a burst of outrage with the Israelite community. “The Lord said to Moses, ‘How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have preformed among them? I will strike them down with a plague and destroy them, but I will make you into a nation greater and stronger than they.’” This happened right after the leaders from each tribe were sent out to scout the promise land, and Moses convinced God not to kill them all (which I am guessing God uses His wrath as a test for Moses).
Now I don’t want to get too far off focus, because my aim is not to describe my pity and confusion over the Israelite community who turned against God over and over. My focus is on the confusion in Gods character. Specifically the most important character of all: love. When dissecting my vast question of Gods love for humanity I hold on to two truths that help me remember who he is. Firstly, He knew the entire history of His creation, even with the unfathomable amount of choices we can make through free will, long before we were set into motion. Secondly, He desires more than anything for us to choose Him over the world and sin. With these truths, I now compare the many experiences and events in the Old Testament, similar to this one described in Numbers, that have been causing fear and doubt to creep in; wondering if God really loves me? If He really loves us.
It’s easy to place myself into these stories, these scenarios, and be suffocated by the reality of my sin, my wickedness, resembling closely to the Israelites. Judging by all the junk in my life, I would be swallowed up into the pit of Hell by a slight wave of God’s hand. So today I ask, does God really love me?
While I was showering tonight, going back and forth and back and forth about life, my future, and everything in between I thought of Numbers 14. If I trust God, and I passionately desire for Him to do whatever it takes to make Himself first in my life. Then what might that take for a man with free will to obey and follow? A man who can choose whatever path he wants. It takes Discipline, and since we have developed a desolating pattern of choosing sin over God for 2000+ years, we had better prepare ourselves for the eye-opening healing and redemption the Lord is going to bring. Discipline is love, and it takes love that hurts to bring us to love that is eternal.
When we chose death that very first time, we chose the teeth-chattering darkness of depression and pain, a path apart from God. I now recognize how much It takes to open the eyes and hearts of men in a world built on the foundation of sin; and God is going to do whatever is best for His beloved creation. May it be unbearably harsh or soft as the wind, God will bring His children home. No matter the cost, even if He must give His only son, and allow us to go through the most brutal and grueling tests, He will do whatever it takes, but we must accept and partake in this journey.
I am continually reminded on the World Race of the blessings in my life. My Dad, Mom, and Sister who support me no matter what, and my friends and country that have made home never feel so perfect. I thank Jesus with a broken heart for what He did, and desire deeply for the Lord to continue His work in my life. Realizing that, “…our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8: 18). Even though these decisions at times seem impossibly hard, may God never stop molding my life, and taking me to the farthest reaches, where I can be at peace with my Savior.
