so much has happened within the past week. so much. it almost feels like it’s not true, that it’s not actually happening but, it is. it’s real and it’s been the plan all along. I’d like to say that it’s been easy, I really would, but it’s far from the truth. So I want to let you in. I think it’s important, especially right now, to be honest about where we are.
I was coming up on my last 3 months of being on the world race. I had been gone from The States for 6 months and had experienced so many challenging and beautiful things through living in Costa Rica and Cambodia. I had learned so much about myself, the people around me, and The Lord. It changed my life – every bit of it.
Our last country was Swaziland in Africa. That’s where we would spend the last 3 months of our “race”.
So after our time in Cambodia, we headed to Swazi. We got there on March 3rd and it was everything I hoped it be, and then more. It had always been a sweet dream of mine to go to Africa and to experience life there. When we got there, it didn’t feel real. It literally felt like a dream. Africa is just……yeah……I really can’t put it into words. :,) anyways, after we arrived we got settled into where we would be living, started to form relationships with some really cool people on staff, and got into our CarePoint ministry. Life in Africa was slowwwwww and sweet.
We had 12 days in Swazi. Those days were purposeful and intentional. Each day was marked by something good and new. Relationships were being built and our lives were changing. Swazi was good. For every one of us. I think it filled in some gaps that we were missing – creatively, spiritually, emotionally, physically. I will never think those 12 ways were not good enough or not exciting….because they were. Each day was some kinda good. Some kinda wonderful.
But in the matter of 14 hours, everything changed. We were told we had to leave because Swazi was going to shut down their borders due to the Corona Virus and we had to get out. When we got the news, it was as if someone died……honestly. It was devastating. It was heartbreaking. It didn’t feel real. I had a dream the night before about going home. It was my first Sunday back at church and I felt overwhelmed. I remember in the dream crying and saying, “I’m overwhelmed”. I was having dreams about home before but this one just felt too real. Everything in the dream felt too real. So when we were called to gather together for an urgent announcement, I just knew. As much as I wanted to not believe it was true, it was. The dream I had was soon to be my reality. So in 14 hours we packed up everything, processed what the heck was happening, cried more, tried to spend each moment together, and left Swazi the next morning at 7:30 am. We didn’t get to say goodbye to our Swazi family – which was and still is hard. Our entire travel days felt like an outer body experience. I can’t stress this enough – it didn’t feel real. It all happened so fast. The days were long of travel and I was overwhelmed. I would get triggered by things and break down. It was devastating. For everyone.
So I’m in Greenwood. 2 and a half months earlier than I expected to be. I came back to a country that is in fear and darkness. A country that is anxious and scared. A country that is worried and heartbroken over this virus. I was mad at God. I yelled at Him. I screamed at Him in hurt of what was happening. I asked Him why. I cried out to Him. I lashed out at Him. I was mad at Him. I thought He called me to Africa? I thought He called me to go there and to be the hands and feet? I was confused when I got to The States. I was supposed to be in Africa, not in Greenwood.
But God knew all along…..like He always does. He knew that He would bring me back Greenwood early and it was going to be hard. He just knew. All 6 months God has been asking me trust Him, in everything. To trust Him in the unknown. To trust Him when it gets hard and uncomfortable. To trust Him with my family and friends. To trust Him when I can’t control anything. Just to trust Him. And that applies now to. He is asking me trust Him.
There is a worship song called New Wine and one of the verses says, “when I trust you I don’t need to understand”. So when I choose to trust Him, understanding doesn’t have to follow. It doesn’t have to make sense. He is the only one who makes sense and remains true. He is the only one who can fill me up and the only one who can remain a constant source of peace. His promises aren’t based off of how I feel. They are based off of who He is and His faithfulness. So when it doesn’t look like how I thought it would – His promises still remain, and they are still true, no matter what I feel. And it doesn’t look like how I thought it would – at all.
So now what? What’s the next move? Now that I’m back in Greenwood, what am I supposed to do? I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m still in shock. I’m still hurting and trying to process what the heck has happened. I’ve been finding myself coping with different things and isolating myself in my room instead of talking about what the past 6 months of my life has looked like. So I’m having to choose to talk about it. To talk about how these past 6 months have changed my life. I’m having to choose a lot. I don’t know what I’m doing next or where I’m going. I’m using this time to really just be. To love God more, love my family more, love my friends more. To build new relationships and to seek out the good. To figure out where I’m supposed to be, whether that’s on a college campus or in another country overseas. Someone once told me, “just because you’re in the waiting to hear from God on where He is calling you to next, doesn’t mean you get to be lazy where He has you now”. So I’ll take hold of this time here. Because there is purpose in it, even though I can’t see it right now. There is purpose in this. And there’s always more that comes from it. always more.
