Emotionally naked that is.
Vulnerability is a buzz word these days. “Cool” words like raw, organic, authentic, vulnerable are being thrown around all over the place lately. But what does it really mean to be all those things?
I have always had a desire to be vulnerable; I always knew it was the way to true human connection. But before coming on the race, I had no idea that I wasn’t actually being vulnerable. I thought a “yeah, me too” when discussing hard things was me being raw. I thought that honestly answering questions about how I felt was all that I needed to do. And I was left wondering why this vulnerability I thought I was expressing didn’t “catch” so to speak with my friends. I wondered why I couldn’t get my thoughts/ feelings out.
It was because I gave cryptic answers and half-hearted “I feel that toos”. I expected people to understand me and see into the depths of my soul without even saying a word, because God would sometimes let me see other people that way. But that sounds like the opposite of being vulnerable to me. That sounds guarded and un-processed.
I have been walking around in my underwear lately, truly learning about what it means to be all the way vulnerable. Ladies and gents, it is month seven and I have finally made it (at least to a greater level of understanding).
Vulnerability is processing what and why you feel something with the Lord. It is understanding the emotions you feel and where they come from. Once you have an understanding, it’s time to go to the person you need to talk with. And, let me tell ya, you will probably feel squirmy as freak even if you are tight with that person.
It might look like:
– Telling someone you feel second best when around them.
– Opening up about not trusting someone’s commitment to you, thinking they are going to bail.
– Stating that you don’t feel good enough or that you feel like you haven’t done enough.
– Saying you hurt me and here’s why.
– I am feeling this way and I need you to know.
– Telling someone that you feel isolated, not understood, and unseen.
Ugly truths about humanity. The deep, painful stuff that wants to stay hidden. I am here to tell you that bringing it to light is the best and only way to start working through it! God gave us our emotions for a reason. Processing through them and understanding why they are around is the best way to seek growth and reconciliation with your people.
I was scared that after bringing this stuff up that the person would act strangely around me or run away or not care. The opposite happened. They were able to see me and speak truth to me. We now have a greater understanding and Holy Spirit-binding love for each other. Amazing.
In other news, Nepal is the best! It is mountain country and the weather is a true God send. The culture is rich and free with a hippy-like spirit which brings me right back to my roots. Nepali food, like momos, is on the top of our favorite foods chart. We have a cutie little flat to live in and a beautiful terrace with a view. We wash our clothes by walking on them and cook dinners as a team. Our hosts are scheduled (which I love), timely, and so cool. Nothing gets left undone and people are reached. They love the Lord hard and act that love out daily (James 1:27). We are just blessed to tag along and be a part of this sweet ministry. We go to the slums and play with the children, we play soccer and help feed the street boys, we teach English to at-risk women (participles man, thanks high school), we give our testimonies, we hike to temples and cover them with Jesus, we trek to local churches, and we help rescue sex-trafficked women from dance bars! Our hosts shared their testimonies with us and encouraged us to the moon (seeds are being planted and God’s word will not return void, yo!). This insanely busy ministry is exactly what I imagined the World Race to be like, and I am in love. From narrow, mudding walkways of the slums to dirty, smiling children to temple walks to worshipping our Lord among the trees to sharing Jeris and chai with our hosts who have become friends, every day is a pure joy. We hit the hay hard every night confident that Kingdom was built. I, someday, hope to work at or run a ministry like this one.
