I have recently repented, a two-fold repent. I thought that I was big enough for squad leading and I, at times, used His voice to look like a leader. To expand, I believed that all my God- given gifts would be the ones to carry me through. I fell into asking the Lord to give me a vision, a word, or a picture to look like I was a good leader. I felt like I had to have the right thing to say or the right God-inspired word. That is not a relationship; that’s just using the Lord.
I have been feeling the desire to grow my spiritual muscles so to speak. Asking in my mind, ‘where is the nearest gym?’. I want to operate at a higher spiritual level. I don’t believe that this desire is wrong. The wrong motives are what discolor this picture.
It has been a weird push pull for sure. I show up to villages saying “Lord, we are here, here are our hands, feet, eyes, and mouths- move and show us where and how to move with you”. I have been given words and have had powerful times in the spirit. But, with this role of leadership, I feel like I have to always have the word or the discernment. Hold up girlfriend, is your body the whole body? Not even close, being called and chosen into leadership does not by any shot mean that I now encompass the whole body of Christ. I am still just a piece of Her and I am grateful for that!
It boils down to the fact that my pride-filled ego wants to look like a leader, my driven nature wants to be the best I can be, and my spirit wants all of God. These pressing desires resulted in wrong intentions. I have once again come to the conclusion…
I need to love Him first.
Seek intimacy with Him first.
& the rest will fall into line. (this is the only way)
The Lord will always use your yes and your showing up. He led us along purple flower lined dust paths, took us to a blue house with yellow “door”, introduced us to a granny with no teeth and a English speaking missionary, gave Mary 20Q and a bunch of bananas, spoke identity truth about humility versus false humility into a kind young man, and sorted out salvation by faith instead of works to an old couple oppressed by religion. (ask if you want more detail!) He continues to be good and faithful. He continues to speak, give identity, show us picture metaphors, and use our voices no matter your struggle with motive and heart posture.
I am coming back into alignment with my true job: to love him first. And, I believe, the rest of my desires will fall into line.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment”. Matthew 22:37-38. The Messages version says, “This is the most important, the first on any list.” This request is obviously over being more spiritual or giving the right word or looking the part. This will be the first thing on my list.
A side note: Satan has attempted to use shame and lies to derail me again. But his attacks really are not creative, let me tell ya. But I am still learning how to crush them the minute they come in. There was one instant a week ago that I started to believe that I was not loved or wanted (a classic). An event happened that really drove this from ehhh that can’t touch me to dang no that’s actually the truth. I bought in. I arrived back home and let myself feel the pain of the lie. After about ten minutes of tears, I moved to pacing back and forth in my room speaking the actual truth over myself, and, finally, I worshiped. And, just like that, I was good. The Lord helped me re-center and the lie only got about 20 minutes of life. I am really proud of this growth, thank you God!
Lastly, I am mediating on the truth: “wherever your feet are is meant to be, wherever you walk is holy ground”.
