I’m writing today with a fragile and achy heart. The pain is so tangible it hasn’t left my chest in days. Yet, I feel a deep joy that I have something so good to grieve.
I am officially a World Race Alumni, that means this season is actually wrapping up. I’ve globe trotted the last 300 something days and have grown into a new person.
I don’t think I am capable of feeling any more gratitude for this experience. It was/is exactly what I needed, God knew. Thank you for your unrestrained support and love that made this life-altering change possible.
I now have a pile of 28 other people that I trust through and through, am forever connected to, and love so very dearly. Thinking about all my nugs going out into the world to change it for the better, the way I have seen them do over this last year for me and for the populations we were doing ministry with, makes me wildly weepy. For we are the body of Christ.
So I have…
walked many paths,
ridden in dozens of busses,
seen 30 plus towns and cities,
swam in at least 7 bodies of water,
eaten crazy cultural food,
held countless, dirty children,
reached out to the broken-hearted,
sat with struggling, hurting people,
built some walls and dug some holes,
used my words to build others up,
fought off many weird germs,
navigated through airports, bus, and train stations,
swerved through many the market,
made servant-minded decisions,
wept for the pain I saw around me,
snuggled people to feel their full essence,
allowed my heart to be tied up to others,
taught English to screaming children,
played games and sang songs with tinies,
passed out fliers while engaging in conversation,
struggled through refinement and pruning,
chose to search the depths of myself,
sat up late pondering life’s complexities,
experienced the essence of light,
learned about how to enter into true intimacy,
discovered so much about our Father,
missed my people at home,
learned how to love more fully,
jumped off cliffs both physically and metaphorically,
chosen the people around me,
said the hard truth and accepted it as well,
climbed mountains and wadded through valleys,
experienced full joy,
worshiped with my full might,
discovered a deep well of freedom,
come into a greater understanding of my identity,
opened my heart and freely gave it away,
lost comforts and gained better ones,
learned how to spot the Divine,
entered into euphoric moments,
seen the Holy Spirit work daily,
grasped a better understanding of self awareness,
taken ahold of my own life,
witnessed the Spiritual dimension,
fought against darkness shoulder to shoulder with my people,
actively chosen to grow,
poured myself out to only get more full,
complained about the heat and the bugs,
felt frustrated with human brokenness,
explored what it means to be human,
wept in people’s arms,
tasted and seen.
Now I will…
say some of the hardest goodbyes,
engage some of the sweetest hellos,
feel some heavy separation,
jump back into the pool again,
engage my brain in the classroom,
reconnect with old friends,
eat the food I was use to eating,
live in one place for like at least 8 months,
have more than 5 shirts,
not have to live out of a backpack,
seek after the Lord daily and fervently,
keep in touch with my squad babies,
sit with people in pain and in celebration,
walk in my newness and my freedom,
continue to grow, search, and discover,
walk around sore for awhile,
shed a couple of tears,
reach out to new people and engage in new ministry,
let my heart love again,
stay soft and ready to deepen connection,
fight for light and life in myself and others,
slacken in full dependency of the Holy Spirit,
remember the victories and glory I have lived through,
live in abundance and add to my blessings,
walk in gratitude and humility,
long to be with my best friends and family,
work hard for the Kingdom,
mourn not being near to some of my soul ties,
see people,
put relationship first,
let my emotions breath,
continue old community and build new,
live into the freedom which is my true identity,
worship in oneness with myself and the Lord,
paint in free moments,
become more whole,
journal regularly,
not compromise my intentions and “norms”,
speak hard truth and help lead others to further health,
remain in light and life,
go to counseling,
develop further intimacy with the Lord,
move forward with my vision for this life,
exhort people and tell them how special they are,
give it my all,
rest,
fail and succeed,
always know that it is well,
play hard and laugh often,
fight to be fully alive and connected,
redeem past mess ups,
find the holy and divine,
solidify and sustain my newness,
explore new frontiers,
drop conditions on why I should love,
express my needs,
not throw my resources around willie nillie,
openly show my mess,
process without fear,
enter into my future,
walk directly with my God,
live the best year of my life. (glory to glory baby).
I know now what living can be.
To love hard is to invite great pain.
So I have loved, now I will love.
Alright, signing off for now,
with all my love and my whole heart,
Bok.
