Remember reading the blog Wrecked in San Pedro? I was on top of the world. I was on fire with the Holy Spirit; I was so in tune with Him. He gave me insights to other’s lives that otherwise would have been a mystery. He gave me His Colombian baby’s hearts and I willingly leaned into the love that He proctored. I was completely unaware of the pain that was looming on my doorstep. I was naive to say the least.
Days after meeting my women in San Pedro, I was faced with our goodbye that might or might not be forever. We held each other on the bus stop as time ticked on. Then the bus arrived, and Megan said we need to go. Walking away I began to uncontrollably sob. What was at first a couple tears turned into a downpour. They ran up to us in the bus and held my hand through the window as the bus drove away. That is Hollywood level dramatic right there. We rounded the corner and they ran to the other side. As I waved goodbye, I couldn’t help but think I may never again see them on this earth. At that moment, my heart cramped inside of my chest. The level of pain I felt leaving them was unlike any amount of emotion I have ever felt in my life. It was so strong and sharp I did not know if I would recover.
And I shut down. I built walls. I quickly decided to never love like that again. I am not going to subject myself to this pain. Sorry, God, I’m done. I decided without even thinking twice about it. It was a survival technique that I thought I had no control over.
The next couple days I floated around. Not really giving much of myself away to anyone. I felt incapable of loving. And I was okay with it.
The feeling carried over into Ecuador, even into ministry. We got the chance to learn about the organization that we are working with. Unimaginable horrors were discussed with us in detail. Stories that would usually make me sick had little to no impact on me. The rest of my team welled up with tears and later said how attached they felt to the ministry. I had to confess I felt nothing for any of it. I was still completely numb. I had my walls of protection raised high. I was not about to offer my heart for slaughter again.
But God has different ideas. Let’s go back to Colombia for a second.
In my last moments in Colombia (minutes before getting on the bus), a lady from the church came up to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. I, flustered with the business of leaving, stopped to listen to her words that were all in Spanish. Making sure I heard correctly from Oscar, I walked away in a daze. I ran into Suze and, through water-covered, glazed eyes, told her what the lady said to me.
“Never lose your joy for life. You cannot ever stop loving people. It is a gift from the Lord.”
She didn’t know me; she didn’t know my pain. But God knew; He knows my heart.
I would love to say that word smashed my walls of fear., that I opened myself right back up to whatever people the Lord had for me. I did not. It has been a process, but I am happy to say that I open up more and more every time I lay it at His feet. I pray every day that the Lord would give me hearts like He did in San Pedro. I even pray for a double portion of intercession. And let me tell you, you have to be careful about what you ask for. God is a God who wants to give His children good gifts. He will never give a rock if they ask for bread. He told me that this month He would give me my squadmate’s hearts. He is faithful and doesn’t go back on His word, my friends.
Numbness is not from the Lord. Thank you for prayers to continue to through off any apathy and to dive deeper into God’s love and His love for others.
Philippians 1:9 “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight.”
