“Martes” the lady in the bus terminal responded. I blurted “What do you mean Tuesday? We are supposed to leave on Saturday. This is not in the plan.” My mind raced with thoughts like why did I wait so long to try and buy the tickets? Where are we going to stay? How are we going to respect the budget? And even deeper down, am I actually equipped for this job? God, why do you have me here?
You see, team changes happened. Jenny, AbbyLin, Oscar, Connor, and Hannah Grace make up my new team (team name reveal: Team Grafted In). I was chosen to be team lead, and I am so honored with the chance to lead them all. As team lead you contact the host, fight for the wellbeing of the team, make the final decision based on the circumstances, inspire the team to grow, make sure feedback and team-time is happening daily, and, oh yeah, carry the baby phone. Pretty sweet the Lord trusted me with all of that responsibility.
Nevertheless, pressure to be a “good” leader started seeping in. I want to lead the very best I know how. I want to be a successful leader and praised for a job well done. I want to steward this gift/opportunity well. I found myself almost unconsciously thinking through how to act and present myself. I began sorting through the perfect combination of masks to put on. I am thankful I caught myself thinking that way.
I have discovered that we, people from the US, put so much emphasis on leadership. We see it as a mark of success; we like being trusted with the main role so to speak. With that, the actual leader tends to take the load and burden of leading well upon themselves. But what is the point of that pressure? Why take that load upon your own shoulders?
Even here at another team’s ministry (Thank you Lord for planning this divine time together), I am feeling the pressure to be something. Comments like “Woah, you’re only 21 and you are team lead? How did you get that position? Can your team work well and follow me without you being here?” Those kinds of comments make me feel “cool” and like I did something right. I am already nervous I will receive unnecessary praise about the role and age combo and like it. I feel like I am already perceived differently. And with that, my chest starts to puff up a little bit. I find myself walking right into performance mode. My mind is racing with thoughts on how to act in such a way that those comments will keep on coming. I want to live up to all the hype.
Where does this air of performance come from? Why do comments of praise make me want to perform better albeit with less of me and more of something I create? Can you tell me why I want so badly to start faking who I am and be someone else?
I am scared that I, myself, am not able or equipped to be the team lead (Figuring this out as I type). Someone else would be better for this position.
BUT the Lord chose me, Brook Landt, Bok Choy, Brock LingLing! Not someone else.
I have a deep seeded need to be successful. It’s so deep I did not even know it was there until recently. Most of my motivation for doing things and acting the way I do stems from either wanting to be successful, wanting to belong, or wanting to be loved. This new baby of a role doesn’t exactly help in my pursuit to become fully healthy in these things. It highlights my truest forms of motivation in why I act the way I do. Man, it sure does bring them to light, which, in the end, helps the most. I can learn and grow this way. Makes sense, Lord.
Team changes brought up other internal struggles and lessons.
On top of the performance struggle, I was struggling with the lie that I am too prideful and lack in spiritual authority. I was inundated with lies the first moment of stepping into this job. The Lord, through others, sweetly reminded me that I am humble and a spiritual authority. Those people did not know these were struggles, but they spoke them out all the same.
I also learned that I love change. Haha, contrary to the common fear of new things, I love it and look forward to it. I discovered that I had a hidden heart expectation for a whole new team. So, when Abby and Jmomma were still on my team, I started dealing with slight disappointment. But the Lord had a major lesson in mind with this grouping. He wanted us to learn how to press in even when we do not see eye to eye all the time. We are learning to love hard even if it is an uphill battle. It’s sweet to work these things out together.
I have been working on stepping into confidence and boldness also. The Lord thought I would be a good fit for this position, so, dang, I am going to own it. I am going to work alongside of Him in wherever He wants to bring this team.
Here I am on my knees, asking “Lord, Do You Think I Am Ready?” And He so ever kindly says “Yes, darling, I am so proud of you. Come walk in the gardens with me.” What a supportive Father we have! (well, actually I have two).
Lesson upon lesson. This debrief was stuffed full of them. Just another day in the life of understanding myself.
In other exciting news, I am officially fully funded! Thank you for supporting and loving me so well!!
