Today I am writing with a discouraged heart. The novelty of this whole decision is wearing off and the reality of the future is knocking at my door. I am nervous. The thoughts of sleeping in a tent for a year covered in bug bites, never swimming again, and leaving my beloved people behind are starting to become the more prominent emotion. The pure excitement, joy, and peace of this decision are quickly being muddled by an onset of negative emotions and worries.
My eyes are beginning to wander to the left and to the right. I am inundated with feelings like “is this actually the best choice” and “am I crazy for pursuing this”. I see other people living other lives and the “greener grass” phenomenon is back to haunt me. I have always felt that I have had a holy burden on my life and I strive to always make the best decision, to live my best, most purposeful life. My steadfast commitment to this endeavor is shaking. –But– I always come back to the fact that Jesus gave it all for me, so why would I even hesitate to give it all back to Him. I am reminded that my faith is the most important thing to run after with all my heart. Leaving everything for Jesus can never be a mistake. If you’re heart is right, He will use you in whatever decision you pursue. So now I release my fists and give it all to God. I am letting go of the burden of finding my best path and following my heart.
I cannot be lead by my emotions, I must dive deeper into the Holy Spirit. All these things that I am “feeling” are temporary and part of the bigger picture of my Kingdom Journey. This path is most likely not the easiest, but it is the best path for me. I will now rest easy in His love and promises.
I’ve been studying Thessalonians and Timothy for insight into being a young evangelist. When words in 2 Corinthians jumped out at me as I was flipping through the pages looking for Thessalonians. And I know it had a purpose–
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Corinthians 12:9
In the midst of my struggles and worries, Jesus plainly said you will have weak moments in this experience, but My Power will be made perfect. This is not my endeavor, it is Him using me. In my weak state, Jesus will be able to move. I am not even sure I completely understand this fully, but He brought it to my attention for a reason. I am about to see many different desires and dreams fulfilled in my life and I have to be reminded that it is not my strength that is going to see these things come to pass.
Ultimately, the things of this life will go away, but the Lord is forever. That single statement gives me more hope than anything else. I want to live my life for my forever God!
I believe feeling and expressing pain is an aspect of vulnerability. As I write, I am working through my doubts with you all. I am going to allow myself to feel everything that this next year will bring. I would like to express my gratitude and joy that you all want to follow and feel along with me!
P.S. My backpack is 23.6 pounds with almost all of my gear, yay! Also, I would like to publicly thank everyone who has already stepped up to support my cause.
P.S.S Trip song: Catch the Wind by Jonathan and Melissa Helser
