I was meditating on “to find comfort in Him” while we were singing about how great God is last night. We were eagerly awaiting negative covid tests so we could be on our way to Guatemala at 4:30 the next morning. Tests started pouring in and I was quickly instructed to go grab a racer from an off-campus location. We returned giddy that the launch moment was almost here.
Long story sort, the tests didn’t work out how we were hoping and covid hindered us once again. Tired and frustrated tears welled behind my eyes as all the new procedures and facts were being spilled to us. Later than usual into the night, I flopped on my sleeping pad and let a whole lot of tears out. I really wanted to throw in the towel. I also wanted change or new excitement. I wanted to pity myself, be a pouty victim. I felt weary of my hope being smashed. And I really hate feeling stuck.
I lamented that I felt I couldn’t love and lead as well as I wanted to here. That I couldn’t seek the Lord the way I wanted to here. That it felt like life was being wasted here. Here, here, here. I was believing that a new space, in this case country, would fix all these feelings. I was guessing that a new here would be a better here, classic. I failed to realize that life is happening here and now, not how we planned, but still happening. I am focusing on being where my feet are and I had a slip up. (Side note- anyone know about pre-dreaming and pre-grieving in your spirit before your head and heart know?).
I asked the Lord, ‘what kind of life do You intend for me’? His answer was “to live a used life”. The Lord intends to use my life. And, by my living breath, my life can be used in a secluded room that is also a bit warm and stuffy at times. I am alive yo and breath is never a waste! I don’t actually have to be or go anywhere to be used or to live in purpose. I am building my hope that the Lord will do something good during this time.
You see I love to achieve and finish goals, that type of vibe. I love to not waste my life. I do indeed naturally like to “use” my life and really squeeze out the proverbial towel. If you know me and have been following my life story via blogs, you already know that dwelling, rest, slow, stillness are not my go tos and, well, I rarely choose them. It has once again been chosen for me and I am going to choose to be grateful.
Although I am not totally out of the emotional woods yet, I am a lot more hopeful. How could I be angry at a good God that just wants to be kind to his children? A God that always has our best in mind?
I still believe in the sweet things he has spoken over Guatemala- to discover the right route for your souls. Jeremiah 6:16 (ownership, winky face). To walk in the good way and find rest for our souls. Also, some of my prayers that I would love backup for- to see Him, to bring a healing balm through us to Guatemala, for companionship and connection, to forward God’s glory, holy unity and love beyond comprehension, to mature in Him and grow in Him, to learn more about temple, to be full and not lacking, for sweetness, light, joy, and life, to disciple with my whole heart. And now, in addition, for strong and able bodies, ready to safely launch. Also, to use this time well and to see God in new, cool ways. To use our lives here for living.
Another aspect. I was meditating on finding comfort in Him, right? And then, after the news, I ran to my people, the humans whom I love a lot. The ones really connected to me at this moment. They are very kind and safe, and also human. They aren’t the ones that made me, made life. They are not the ultimate comforters. The Lord has the corner on those things. My thought- why do I still not see the Lord as my best and first comfort, the place I should run? Maybe cause humans are physical and my ears can pick up their voice frequencies, not sure. I want a change of wiring in my mind.
This is not the end. This is not the worst. Where is the blessing, the favor? Still very much all around us.
