My life as a dance with the Lord
Melodies melting together
Seasons turning
Bringing new waves of movement
Heart unraveling
I am undone for you, Jesus
A vast majority of my last five months here on the field have been seeking out what the Lord really says about me and fighting to believe it. It’s been seasons of awakening to all of the lies I believed about myself. And Father walked me through an immense amount of freedom that I know will only continue to unfold. In the past I struggled with feeling as if the only way I would be whole was if I received affirmation from the people around me, specifically men. I believed that I would never be free from the bonds of depression and that I would constantly be awaiting my next fall into the pit. I didn’t think the Lord was consistent. And I did not know his character enough to trust any of the things he told me. In my mind I was not enough for the good things God had/has for me. I’m telling you these things because my testimony is important, as is yours. I am more free now and more full of joy than I have been my entire life and that is a miraculous transformation. He has marked my life by grace as vast as the ocean.
The first thing God did in Guatemala was free me from seeking affirmation from relationships. I wasn’t aware of the hold this had on me. Until I realized that I never felt whole unless I was being sought out. Much of my story is marked by chasing after an image of perfection. I struggle with thinking I am not creative, kind, beautiful, unique, or intelligent enough, the list goes on and on. I press a perfectionistic image out of fear that people will see my insecurities. But once I shifted my perspective to seeking my affirmation from God, I was released from the bonds of men and relationships. In this, much of my depression was drowned out because the Lord gave me and continually gives me perspective that triumphs over the lies that draw me into the dark.
These past couple of months in Asia have been learning to trust people enough to let them into my heart and my life with my guard down. It’s been pressing into vulnerability. Where I do not need to hold an image of perfection but I can be undone, and let things be messy. It has been a humbling experience. Being honest with oneself in every nitty gritty moment and acknowledging the lies freaking hurts. But Father has put me on a quest to love myself because he loved me first.
How can we provoke trust or love for others when we don’t even believe it in our own hearts? As I’ve been looking to the Kingdom and seeking out who the Lord is and what He says, I have to choose to believe the things he says about me. He does not ask us for false humility. He wants us to be confident in who he has made us to be. Because if not, aren’t we saying that he has not made us enough? It is a cycle. If we decide to love God and to press into what he loves, we will love ourselves and walk into confidence. Then we will be able to love all the more wholly. He says to love your neighbor as yourself. But how can we love our neighbor if we do not love what he loves? Loving ourselves means loving him first.
Sharing all of this feels a bit naked to me but it is meant to be shared. He has been reshaping me out of his mighty grace in these past seasons. I do not deserve it. But he loves me enough to walk with me through it all. He loves each of us enough to restore us heart, mind, body, and soul. At the start of this journey I had a vision of God pulling me into the ocean and taking me deeper and deeper down into the depths, but I did not sink. It was the act of pulling me further into the pressure that he has proven vital. Father reshapes and molds us in the pressure of our lives. I am honored to be in the pressured wake of his ocean where he never stops revealing his love and grace.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Psalm 139: 13-15
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be[a] against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[b] Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8: 31-39
And the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions.
Mark 12: 32-34
