Coming home from the Race was hard. Almost everything I expected to go a certain way turned out to be completely different, which was a lesson in itself about how I should stop setting expectations.
Some things I expected were:
– Community to be great
– Relationships to be easier
– Processing and sharing about the trip to be super fun and easy!
– Spiritual growth and going back to church to be easier
– No meltdowns at Wal-Mart
Well, community was not easier, it was harder. In fact, it was almost non-existent. To be honest, while I was on the Race, some friends just moved on, and when I came back, those friendships weren’t there anymore. In other cases, awkward silences in conversations with old friends were a very regular occurrence. I had changed and so had they, and we just didn’t know how to engage each other anymore. I wanted to share my heart about the past year, but it was hard to tell who really wanted to listen, and who was just being polite.
My first morning back at church, I broke down. We were sitting in nice comfy chairs, there was a great sound system, and the building seemed HUGE. All I could think of was the amazing group of believers in Haripur, Nepal that met in a building on Saturdays, sat on the floor, praised God with all they had to an out of tune guitar and took turns preaching God’s Word to each other….and how that was more than enough for them.
I wish I could say I went to the market and handled it just fine, but I would be lying. Yes, I actually cried in Sam’s Club (no, I’m not joking). For weeks, I avoided malls, supermarkets and bigger stores as much as I could. I just couldn’t justify the need for it. What about my friends all around the world that had so much less? Why is there so much excess in America?
The entitlement mentality has penetrated every area of American life, and I was so incredibly overwhelmed by it, everything else in my life got put on hold. Personally processing my year, intimacy with the Lord both in and out of my quiet times, pouring into others, any next steps, fun, etc. all came to a screeching halt.
“Stupid slow internet! UGH.”
“Wal-Mart clothing? No way. I will only buy brand-name clothing.”
“My iphone is just fine but I want to upgrade to the best.”
“NO MOMMY! I HATE THAT KIND OF MAC N’ CHEESE!”
The more I heard, the more I found myself growing judgmental and bitter towards the people around me, and Americans in general. Honestly, my thought life was a sad thing to behold.
“Don’t people realize what they’re stuck in? Why don’t they care? There is so much more than living for material possessions! I just don’t understand how everyone can be so inward focused, so selfish! If this is what it is going to be like here, I want to go back overseas. I just can’t handle it anymore. The ignorance of Americans certainly isn’t bliss for the rest of the world. I have no desire to minister to these people.”
My love and patience for the culture I was raised in had almost totally gone out the window. I knew Jesus extended grace to us in our small thinking, but I sure didn’t want to extend that same grace to the people around me. As I sought out God and talked to a few people about how I was feeling, God ripped the pride right out of me.
“The spirit of entitlement in the hearts of the people around you is no worse than the judgment and bitterness in your heart towards them. Who are you to judge another’s servant? They don’t know, Brooke. They haven’t seen what you have seen. Stop looking at people with eyes of flesh and use My eyes instead. Will you not give them the same grace I give you?”
Man, the truth hurts sometimes, but God is so faithful to set my heart right when it is wrong. He showed me that one of the reasons I was so bothered by the entitlement around me was because I was afraid I would fall right back into it after being home for a while. I was afraid I would forget all the things I had seen and experienced and just get sucked back in to selfish living.
Romans 12:2 says “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” God made it clear that He gives me the ability to live in this culture, love on these people, and still not get caught up in old mindsets.
I am still processing my experiences from all around the world, and I believe I will be for a long time. In this process though, one thing I have learned is that God’s heart for Americans is just as loving and grace filled as it is for Malawians, Estonians, and Mongolians, and mine should be, too.
My encouragement to any missionary coming home to America:
Perceive the people around you through the eyes and heart of God, and not only will readjusting be an easier process, but everything in life will become a lot clearer.
