In the moment, I never like being stretched or pruned, it is uncomfortable. Most of the time, I don’t realize how much I like and need it until I look back and see the growth. This post is my looking back on one of those uncomfortable moments.
In faith, I brought a guitar on this trip (which God placed in the hands of someone else while I was in China), not really knowing much about how to play one. Well, what I didn’t realize was that if you carry a guitar, everyone assumes you can play a guitar, and play it well. Since month one in Zambia, I have been asked to play a song or two on the guitar and sing in churches. Over and over I would say “No, really I am just learning….I am not being modest, I promise”, and over and over the response was “Yes, you will play at church for us!” (OYEEEE!). While God took me out of my comfort zone, He blessed me with so much grace from people in Africa when I played…they were more grateful to hear someone play, and much less concerned with how it actually sounded. Much to my surprise though, I really didn’t have a ‘crash and burn’ experience and seemed to do pretty well… until month 3 in Estonia.
My first team (Without Borders) spent a few days in Tallinn, Estonia’s capital, before we left for our ministry site in Võru. While there, we stayed with an amazing family that cared for us so wonderfully (they fed us, and let us wash our clothing in a REAL washer for the first time in months!). The husband not only ran a Christian TV/radio station (TV7), but was also the pastor of a church. Knowing they had a lot on their plates, we offered our assistance to this family in any way we could while we were there. We cleaned the church/ TV station, did a bit of yard work, and even went on a live talk show for TV7 to share some of our experiences and testimonies. The evening our contact came into town to pick up the team, the pastor asked us share a message, and lead worship for a “small” service…three hours before the service started. He wanted me to play three songs on the guitar for worship. At this point I really only knew two songs, and had been practicing/ learning a couple others. I told the pastor what I usually told everyone “I really don’t know what I am doing yet…I am still learning. I am not being modest when I say I don’t think I can lead worship on the guitar yet, but I can sing!” He insisted I play the guitar, and told me it would be a great opportunity to practice! Then he nonchallantly mentioned that the service would be LIVE on his Estonian Christian TV station.
Time came for the service to start, and worship began. We had been busy all day, and even though Kimberly and I hadn’t had time to practice together, the first two songs went relatively well! For the third song, I chose “How He Loves”, which was one I had just started practicing, but I was doing alright with it. That’s when the crash and burn happened. Kimberly and I just couldn’t sync up, and all of a sudden I seemed unable to sing and play the guitar at the same time. We tried so hard to make it work, until finally the pastor asked us to stop playing.Yes, he literally said “That is enough, thank you”, and motioned for us to stop. I was absolutely horrified. I put the guitar down, and was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even sit in the service. I went to the bathroom, locked myself in one of the stalls, and stayed there for the entirety of the service to cry.
UGH! I am so DISGUSTED with myself! How could I mess up like that, and on LIVE TELEVISION, too!? I was SO bad he had to ask me to STOP! Why can’t I just learn without people pressuring me into events like this? I am NEVER playing the guitar for anyone, EVER again! Worship is so special and I ruined it. Those people couldn’t worship God well because of me. I let God down. I failed. I failed Him.
I was so mad and disappointed in myself. A few of the girls on my team even came to check on me in the bathroom. They gave a mixture of lighthearted jokes, comfort, encouragement, and even some tough love. One girl even offered to carry my guitar around everywhere for me so I wouldn’t feel pressured anymore! (SO sweet of her!) In all reality though, I was stuck in my thinking about it, and no one was able to pull me out of it. I wanted to sit and sulk and that was that. I was a brat, and if you scroll back up and look at my thoughts again, you’ll realize that I made the whole situation about me.
As months have passed, God has continued to grow me in worship leading, and He has redeemed that embarrassing moment for me. I have come to realize that it was indeed, just a moment, where I turned it into more than it was. I didn’t give myself the same grace that Jesus was giving me, and I chose to focus on myself instead of God. I was so critical and so serious that I was unable to see that God was probably belly laughing at the whole situation! I chose out of joy and peace, and chose self-pity and pouting instead.Now, when I look back, I can genuinely burst out in laughter about that whole night, along with the rest of my team. That was impossible for me to do though, until I surrendered any concern I had for my own ego to Christ.
This isn’t a one time choice though…the choice to surrender my own ego, selfish desires, and pouting to Christ in exchange for His peace and joy. It is a constant choice to deny myself and look to God.
If I am being honest though, I KNOW I am not the only one who battles with this. How many times have you blown things out of proportion? Focused on yourself instead of God? Not given yourself the same grace Christ gives you? Pouted about something God really wanted you to laugh about? As I learn and grow in this area, I want to encourage all of you to look at your own hearts.. Ask God if/how you struggle with this, and ask Him to help you do better. He has SO much more for us than continuing to sit in the same attitudes when things don’t turn out as expected, time and time again. Surrender your own ego, your pride. Focus yourself on the Kingdom of God, and you just might lay yourself down in the process.
Look like a fool for Jesus sometimes, because it isn’t about you, and it isn’t about me, it is all about Him.
