OH MORNING
MY MOURNING!
Psalm 143:8
“Let the MORNING bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.”
When you find yourself lying awake before the sun, praying for morning to come, chances are you ARE in mourning. Perhaps, you are mourning the loss of someone or something. Maybe you can’t sleep because of rejection, discouragement, or a lack of greenery that buys the more you don’t need. Doubtful it is because your stomach is growling on night three of no food, or because you are having to worry that your dad hasn’t come home from his endless nights of drinking his life and your childhood away. Most likely it’s not because you have a personal sauna in your pants, or you’re drowning in your own sweat. Suck it up! You have it good! That statement was directed at myself as I write, but if you’re convicted, it’s not without purpose. If God speaks, don’t dismiss Him. God speaks no less in India, than anywhere else in the world.
If you you lean in and listen, you’ll hear me cry out all the way from India out of the pit of my stomach, “OH MORNING MY MOURNING! You promised me God! You promised morning would bring good news! You have got to be kidding me!” It’s 2:30 here in Ongole and I swear India isn’t even awake yet. As I struggle with my team, my thoughts and the heat have me awake. How can I be up before an entire country? I don’t know, but sure feels like it. Our 5 hours from Hyderabad turned into 8, and landed us here. Here in this place of untouchables. Yes, those are things, and a people group. I can’t touch the toilet, sink, and really have no interest in touching the bucket required for my bucket shower. I’ve done this before. This isn’t new to me, but I am overwhelmed by the untouchables and mourning the loss of my bathroom. Not to mention, I can’t touch my hands to my face, use my left hand to eat, or touch the left hand of another EVER!
I can’t sleep. I’m miserable, but what kind of Christian would I be if I stooped so low as to admit it? A real, raw, and honest one, that’s what. I miss my bed, my mom, my friends, dry sheets, the rest of my squad, and let’s be honest, sleep. Who knows what lurks in the corner of my room, if you can call it that. I can’t be sure I’m not sleeping with a cockroach, and there’s word of a lizard loose somewhere in here. Ants cover our bathroom and I itch. I itch wondering if I already have lice, or bed bugs. There are remnants of visitors all over my body. I haven’t seen them, but I can feel them. Something made its home with me last night. A rat could be staring me down or a mouse plotting for my food, or what little of it is left. “OH MORNING MY MOURNING!”
I miss Becca, Morgan, and so many others. I mourn in their absence as I lay in my own sweat and pray for them. I cried to Becca when I left Hyderabad to head to Ongole. If you don’t strip yourself till Jesus and the nations are your sole purpose on this soil for wanting to do another day, your teammates will do it for you. That happened to me the same morning I was leaving for Ongole to do life with my team 24/7. Two days into this was too early without a level of trust built to support it. It broke my heart, shut me down, and caused me to withdraw not knowing my place to stand, sit, speak etc. Now I find myself purposely making a point to not be me, be silent, and not be the first to volunteer to do anything, to step up and in as I would outside of this experience. I enjoy sitting back to celebrate another, but I do miss being myself at times. “OH MORNING MY MOURNING!”
We were warned at camp that women of influence are intimidating and to own that we are, but we were also told that we are gifted and have something to say, and should say it. You’ll always hear you’re too much, but take heart, because you are enough in Christ. In fact He can’t get enough of you. Balance is hard but not impossible. ALWAYS willing to pray first, preach a sermon, or lead kids to keep them engaged…but I do none of that here. I’ll figure it out with time, and maybe even find a way to address these hurts. “OH MORNING MY MOURNING!”
We are all a work in progress so I pause to receive the ugly remarks or looks at times, but return praise to Him because I get to do life with beautiful people who challenge me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is bound to happen the closer you get, as the enemy is not silent in this place, and division is not an option. Regardless, we are a force to be reckoned with on the field 🙂 The mission trumps the mess. I don’t like people every day, not even on my own team, but I strive on purpose to love them well even on my off days. Sometimes that just means smiling and praying blessings over them all day, or giving from what I have. I look for what God is teaching me about myself and thank Him for teaching me to love difficult people. At times I write an encouraging note or simply pour out gratitude. I didn’t want to be on this team. I came up with our team name and boy did I choose one that would require a fight. It’s worth it ya know. To fight for Team Undivided! God gave it to me as I sought His face long before World Race. I’m committed to this and real, raw, and honest should not offend you. This is Acts 2 community and it’s a rare find. I am still sweating as I write, but that means there is life in me even as I mourn. I have not lost my smile even as I cry out, “OH MORNING MY MOURNING!”
Relief from the heat NEVER comes and we are 100% human 100% of the time outside of Christ, so I seek Him daily and abide. So what does come in the morning? NEWS of His unfailing love! Morning comes with a promise! I stand here at the window, after journaling for 3 hours, as India begins to wake up. I look out not at what I don’t have but at what my eyes behold. The sight of a woman sweeping her storefront, a man in white walking the streets, cows hanging out at the dump across the way grazing on trash, and that dang rooster still crowing. Evidence of life. Evidence of morning! The people of India are beautiful and I pray one day every face may radiate His love even in their mourning. If you find yourself lying awake or rising earlier than you desire, lean in as you mourn and remember that good news comes in the morning! AND God says, “I see you!” as two notes are delivered to encourage me and celebrate who I am. The first in person, and the second through our squad leader traveling from Hyderabad. God KNEW and He sees you mourning too. To my supporters, I love to receive notes and video messages from you through my email at [email protected] Though I wrote this for the eyes of all, I refused to shorten it for my squad and the hearts of future racers. The struggle is real, but God is good and always at work.
7/13/15 UPDATE: Community living will always be hard, but set apart in all that it offers for growth and spiritual maturity. Space was created for us to address our hurts last night, and we walked out the door leaving it behind us, to step into the newness of today. God is at work and we will love each other with a deeper intensity and transparency than we’ve ever known before, because we had to walk through the ugly first and we were the beauty He had in mind.
