In one of my first blogs, “growing pains” I talked about the season I was entering into of growing in different areas of my life that resembled pain.
Four months later we are still here.
Since I’ve left America, my world has been completely shattered. Don’t worry, shattered is a good thing.
I’ve talked briefly about thoughts and lies I’ve been battling since month one and two and well.. we are still here.
However, I believe this has been one of the greatest battles I’ve gone through, I think honestly, in my whole life.
A few nights ago something happened. I experienced the spirit of anger. It wasn’t me. I felt out of control of my body while remaining in control, weird right? When the spirit of anger came over me, every part of my body from my lip to my finger tips went numb. I could hardly breathe. As I began crying out to the Lord and was being prayed over with one simple word “PEACE”, the anger left. It was like an outer shell had cracked and a new one appeared.
Hurt.
The funny thing is that the hurt that I was feeling had nothing to do with what had happened in our team time that got me angry. It was deep rooted hurt. Shocker right? Yeah.. no.
I’m in this really awesome, hard season of digging. God has shown me the roots in so many different areas of my life that he’s placed a shovel in my hand and has given me a choice of what to do with this shovel.
There are so many different roots that God has revealed to me since training camp back in August, but they all surround one theme.
Love.
I lack love. Fifteen year old Brooke who’s life felt like it fell apart caused a hole that has not been replaced quite yet. I lack feeling loved by others and if I’m being real, showing love as well.
For the last 8 years I have managed to push people away, pull people closer, repeat this process and fail 99% of the time.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because I have hit a very crucial point with my walk with the Lord that I can officially say “I, Brooke, HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM AND I LOVE IT!”
I love it because it’s forcing me to only draw closer to God and his love for me. It’s causing me to take my shovel and deal with every piece of hurt that has popped up over the past four months since being on the field. The fact that I have no idea who I am right now is honestly a great feeling because I get to hear from my Heavenly Father who I truly am. I don’t have to be defined by any hurts or lies that over the years, have crept up in my life.
God has me in what I like to call a “mold before bold” phase. He’s molding me to become someone of boldness for his kingdom. My confidence doesn’t always come from who I am, it sometimes comes from having no idea who I am and being confident in admitting and accepting that it is okay to not have those answers just yet.
Whoever Brooke Valentine Cope is in the Lord is awesome, and I can’t wait to get to know her. I’m sure if you’re reading this, it might not make total sense that I’m telling you I’m currently getting to know myself. That’s just it though, I get to know myself all over again! I find it exciting and a new chapter with God.
Here’s to this next season of more breakthroughs, tears and lots of laughter! Here’s to finishing up month four strong and buckling down for the remainder of the race. Here’s to getting to know the new Brooke.
