This is Part 2 of The 12th Thing I Learned at Training Camp
From the beginning of training camp I was tossed right out of my comfort zone. Lack of sleep, being cold and wet, dealing with people and situations that I didn’t like pushed my buttons. God was using this pressure to uncover an old wound that refused to heal.
About mid-way through the week we were divided into the teams we would launch with and given our team leaders. I already had a feeling who my team leader was, and I was thrilled! But when the announcement was made, the only thing I felt was shame and a lot of disappointment.
During our first few hours as a team I had trouble engaging. Everyone was so excited and I just felt numb. I kept trying to act normal, smile, pretend like nothing was bothering me, but underneath it all I just felt sucky.
That night I stood at the back of the worship room. More than 200 people filled the space in front of me as the worship team invited us into God’s presence. They began to dance, sing and worship in their own way. I felt nothing. I closed my eyes and opened my heart to the Lord.
“Father, why do I feel this way? I feel so numb. Is there something I have not surrendered to you?”
He answered right away. “You haven’t surrendered to me your team.”
“No, I like my whole team! I don’t have a problem there.”
“You wanted to be team leader.”
Crap. I wanted to deny it, but He was right. I began to cry. I felt so shamed that I hadn’t been chosen. I also felt selfish for wanting it because I knew it was for the wrong reasons. The fact that I didn’t get asked to lead felt like confirmation that I just wasn’t good enough.
I had spent my whole afternoon analyzing myself, trying desperately to pinpoint a reason why AIM had not chosen me to be leader. Was I too controlling? Not wise enough? Do I talk too much or give my opinion too quickly? Had God revealed my sins to the staff? Certainly if I was right with God I would have been chosen. No, It wasn’t AIM who had rejected me; it was God. I had somehow disappointed Him.
In pain and brokenness I cried out to the Lord as he put his healing finger right in the open wound.
“Why God?” I said through sobs. “why have you rejected me for leadership? What’s wrong with me?”
Tears streamed down my face as I held my hands out in front of me.
Then suddenly it was as if my Father stood right in front of me. He stooped down to look into my eyes, cupped my hands in his and with so much gentleness in his voice, He said,
“I have a plan for you, do you trust me?”
His compassion overwhelmed me and all I could do is nod. I wanted to crumple in his arms. In a moment I understood that team leading was not His best for me. He cancelled the shame and spoke His approval over me. I realized my Father loved me not because I led a team, not because I was successful, or impressed my squad leaders or trainers. He loves me because I’M HIS DAUGHTER.
Daughters don’t have to do anything for their fathers to adore them. Daughters (or Sons) have privilege and access to a higher relationship with their father just because of who they are. Orphans have to fight for everything they have, and that’s what I was trying to do. I was competing for recognition, praise, achievement; anything that would prove that God loves me! But a son or daughter knows everything is theirs simply because it is their inheritance. They are just waiting on their father to release it to them at the proper time.
That night, God did heart surgery on me to take out my scared and lonely orphan heart and replace with the secure heart of a daughter. He called me out of the crowd. He spoke his love into me in crazy ways as my new heart began to beat in my chest for the first time. Hope began to take hold, and then took over. There’s no other way to describe it except that for the first time in my Christian walk I understood who He is, who I am and I felt safe.
So what is the 12th thing I learned at training camp? Here it is:
There’s nothing I need to do to EARN my inheritance. ITS ALREADY MINE and my Father will release it to me in the right time if I will wait on Him.
