Well let me not be too dramatic. No one is trying to kill me…well, at least not physically…well, Satan would LOVE to take me out but that’s another blog for another day.
I dreaded sharing this bc this space isn’t for normal blogging really. In my opinion its more to highlight the incredible times, beautiful pictures, and awesome testimonies. I don’t see very many raw blogs here but I will attempt to share how I’m really feeling in hopes that whoever reads these things will have a well-rounded perspective as what my journey has looked like.
I was writing in my journal after having a full blown uncontrollable panic attack and realized that my real feelings are often recorded there. They have been riddled with frustrations, anger, thoughts of helplessness and any other dramatic word you can think of. I’ve had some beautiful moments on the race but it seems I’ve had far more heart ache. The 7 ½ months up until now have been excruciating emotionally. Physically, I’ve done and seen some amazing things. I’m in my 8th country and I can’t believe the things I have experienced and have seen with these two browns. Healings, demons being cast out, beautiful faces that are hungry for Hope, loving ministers of that Grace, organizations that are impacting the kingdom in mighty ways, joy in the midst of the slums, people being redeemed, that first twinkle in the eye when Jesus grabs their hearts; I have seen the most beautiful things.
Yet emotionally I have been wrecked! Let me say this loud and clear for all to hear….THIS IS NOT A MISSION TRIP…yep, I said it. This a personal journey of God wrecking your heart and rebuilding the shotty foundation you’ve lain for yourself. Yes, we do missions but the focus is you (while you do missions) I’m kind of glad the Lord didn’t tell me that ahead of time. I came in all doe eyed ready to serve Jesus abroad, never suspecting that I would be the one to get served, lol. (for those that didn’t catch it, “getting served” is an urban term means to be shown up or shut down. Now that we’re clear…J) These last months have been some of the hardest months and I’ve gone through some pretty rough stuff in my day. But never at such a concentrated level. I’m not alone in this. Most everyone has been served by the race and probably has handled it with a little more grace than I have. For those that know me, you know, lol.
Emotionally at times I felt like I was caged in, that I couldn’t be myself unapologetically, that those around me were intent on placing me in the box they had labeled for me, my own insecurities waiting to lay waste to my mind and cloud it with all manner of half-truths and outright lies. At times I felt that I was being held under water and could literally feel the burning in my chest when surrounded by “disapproving eyes”, miscommunication issues, age issues, different perspectives and upbringings, theology issues, maturity issues and a host of other things that never take a break were all here and weren’t going anywhere.
The Lord has freed me from a number of things, people pleasing being one of them, but even now, walking into that freedom is a daily chore. There’s a misconception that if the Lord has “freed” you that you no longer have to make an effort to walk in freedom. Things just disappear in thin air and everything will be perfect. Oh, how I wished this worked with salvation. We have been made free from sin. I wish sin would disappear, I’d have a whole lot less of a headache, lol. Walking in freedom has been a process.
I was asked by a friend if I regret coming on the race. My answer was no. No, this wasn’t at all what they told me it would be. It hasn’t been the great whirlwind of loving ppl of foreign lands, gaining contacts to come back and serve with and finding some new best friends. It hasn’t been a great community of likeminded believers that pursue His presence alone. It’s been a hard road of broken people loving the best way they could. It’s been heartache and labor pains that gave birth to a new heart all together. It’s been a cracked and bruised journey to new foundations in Him. That, my friends, makes all of it worth it.
For those looking for some sort of conclusion that would suggest that there’s some syrupy sweet happy ending. This isn’t a romantic comedy, lol. I wish it were. Come on month 12!! HA!
Read Psalm 88. Besides, we all know that the victory has already been won, no need for review 😉
Until next time (which seems to be every 3 months, lol)
Brooke
