There is a lot to share of what has been going on in my heart – but I am excited to share it so here goes…
When I first felt called to the World Race and finally stood up to say “Yes!” and fill in the application and go through the interview process I was filled with so much excitement and passion – I could think of very little else. That hasn’t changed. But, when I applied I also had no idea what I wanted to do when I left South Korea and came back to South Africa. That has changed.
Since I returned home four months ago, I have been overwhelmingly blessed by the people and opportunities that God has brought into my life. Firstly, as a teacher I decided that I would put my skills and passion to use by applying for au-pairing and babysitting jobs to make some money and as a way to fundraise. Soon after I met Nikki Machowski and her lovely family. They welcomed me into their family and I started au-pairing their two boys (who happen to be the same age and friends with my nieces). For two months I spent the afternoons from Monday to Friday with these boys and really loved spending time with them.
In May, I was asked by my church to fill-in as the children’s church pastor until I left and they could find a permanent replacement. Not long after that Nikki asked me if I would be prepared to teach at the preschool instead of au-pairing her boys. This made me a little nervous, I had never really considered preschool and wasn’t sure how much I would enjoy it. I couldn’t have been more wrong – I LOVE IT!
So within the space of two months, God brought not 1 but 2 new passions into my life. And that is when the confusion began. I began to wonder if God had shown me these new passions because He had wanted me to step out in faith and believe that He would lead and guide me in His timing and that this is actually what He now wanted me to do. I started losing motivation for the Race and stopped being as proactive with fundraising and speaking to people and forming a support team.
To be honest – most of me wanted to stay here and find a way to pull out of the race.
The crossroads.
Do I stay? Do I go?
At this point, I decided to confide in my trusted friend, and minister. He reminded me of an analogy I had heard someone else use years before. The idea of life and in this case, ministry, being God’s playground. That we have all the different apparatus: swings, slides, monkey bars, roundabout etc. and God allows us to play within the playground. My problem is that I was standing in the middle of the playground, not playing on anything, because I was so afraid of choosing wrong. (This goes back to one of my insecurities of always trying to please people and God, and being afraid of letting anyone down).
After taking a day out and heading on a personal retreat (one of the best things I have ever done), I began to really talk to God and reflect. Instead of worrying, I prayed. Instead of talking to other people, and going through everything in my own head – I prayed and I wrote in my journal.
I realised that God has called me, I know that my heart and passion is in growing God’s kingdom and His church. I have a passion for teaching, for sharing what God has done in my life with others, for helping people and for sharing with them the good news that God loves them. I know that God has put me in a particular playground, but that He doesn’t mind where I decide to play.
I know that God called me to the World Race, He placed this passion in my heart to go out and serve Him on this amazing journey that I know is going to grow and change me even more than He already has and is. I could stay here and continue serving as a children’s pastor or find a pre-school teaching position and serve God faithfully. OR I can step out in faith and continue in this path.
I am choosing to continue on this path. Not because I think staying is the ‘wrong’ choice, but because I believe that God is calling me to MORE for right now. To search for Him more, to love more, to rely on Him more, to serve more and to share His love and hope with the world.
