Last week I posted this on facebook:-
“This week has been really hard, probably one of the hardest on the Race so far. There has been so much loss and grief experienced in the lives of those close to me, in my own family and also knowing that the time is coming to say sad goodbyes. Yesterday I just lay in bed, covered in my sweat and tears just heart sore and exhausted.
The last thing I wanted to do was go out with my team and love on people…but I’m so glad I decided to press in and say yes anyway. I was blessed and comforted by the joy and laughter of the kids we met and played with. There is always something to be thankful for.”
These were my honest feelings about a hard week. I am realizing how easily overwhelmed I am by the things I see going on around me, what other people are feeling and going through and the pain that is everywhere I look. I don’t think this is a bad thing, it allows me to empathize with people and to show genuine compassion to others. But, sometimes it sows seeds of doubt and fear into my heart and causes me to question God and His goodness.
That is where I found myself last week – sitting in a pit of despair, unable to see God’s goodness in the midst of all that was going on around me. There was a lot going on; my friend and previous teammate had received news that her dad, who had been suffering with cancer, had passed away; other people on our squad had posted about difficulties and pain they were experiencing on the field and at home and then almost a week later – I found out that my uncle, who had also been suffering with cancer, had passed away. Even when you are expecting the news, it doesn’t make it any easier when you hear it.
Then on Friday night, which is movie night for the students, we decided to watch War Room (I highly recommend it by the way).
The movie was a major wake up call for me – it didn’t necessarily introduce me to things I was unaware of or didn’t know I could or should be doing; but it did provide a new perspective and opened my eyes to a truth I had long been deceiving myself about.
Why am I allowing the devil to steal my joy?
Yes! There is pain in this life. Yes! There is injustice, tragedy, trauma, war, poverty, illness, rejection, abandonment…BUT why do I choose to dwell on those things rather than on the promises of God? Why do I allow the devil to steal my joy?
I have since watched the movie two more times and my prayer life is beginning to shift dramatically. I will praise God, I will worship His goodness, grace, mercy and majesty. I will choose to believe that He loves me and that He is good no matter what. I will not wallow in despair, I will fight against the temptation to let the darkness win. God promises to give us His peace and His joy, but we have to consciously choose them and seek them daily. We have to fight. We have to take off our gloves and go to war.
I choose joy and so I declare today and everyday:-
“You will not steal my joy! Not today!”
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
– Habakkuk 3:17-18
