I set a record and had my mind blown and almost a breakdown all in the same week.
I should clarify. I set a new personal record for how many clothing items I’ve taken into a fitting room at one time: 12. I’d headed to a local consignment store and scoured the racks, leafed through the hangers, and found 12 dresses/skirts to try on. The mission? To find a couple of dresses/skirts that would fit the World Race dress code. Dress after dress, skirt after skirt, I was reminded why I didn’t already own any that were maxi-length (I simply dislike them). As I tried each one on and inwardly winced, I drilled in my head, “I will become all things for the Gospel. AND I WILL LOVE IT.” This mantra kept me going through the 11 dresses/skirts that I set aside and the 1 skirt that I found tolerable (internal me: I hate this. But it has stripes. I like stripes. Focus on the stripes). Having gone through 11 pieces of clothing and coming out with 1, I was a bit flustered, but I decided to check out the athletic clothing section before leaving. And I totally scored: a black, sturdy, skirt that went past my knees was there, just waiting to be mashed into a packing cube and taken to 11 countries. What luck!
When I got home, I added the day’s findings to the growing mountain of World Race gear that sprawls over my extra bed. I whipped out my highlighter and packing list, and as I updated it, I had a glorious list-maker moment in which I realized that nearly everything on my list was highlighted. Thank you Lord for Your provision! Even when it’s in the form of striped maxi skirts…
As I folded the skirts, I had a weird feeling come over me and I took a momentary mental step back. Until that moment, I’d kind of felt that I had been doing the shopping, sorting and list-checking for someone else, or even that I’d been watching someone else do it. The realization hit me: I am going to wear this skirt. I AM GOING to WEAR this SKIRT. I am going to wear this skirt! For the realest of realsies. I had bought this skirt. I am going to wear the awkwardly long shorts. I had considered the black skirt a total score, when a few months ago I honestly wouldn’t have given it a second glance.
I’m going to wear this skirt because I’m going to be a missionary. Wait, what in the world!?
I’ve been telling people about the World Race since November, when I learned of my acceptance, so it’s not like the thought had never crossed my mind before. It did, however, seem like a novel and shiny thought next to this striped, maxi-length evidence. The same realization hit the night before last, as I practiced packing my backpack. I tugged the drawstring triumphantly and pulled it onto my back. I just packed all my things for 11 months into my backpack! I realized, again, what this meant. This wasn’t a thought puzzle (can I justify bringing my favorite vest to Africa?) or a Pinterest board anymore; I just did it. When I shouldered my 65 liter backpack, I had tangible evidence that over the last few months, the Lord has blessed and provided me with the ability to buy all my gear on my own.
With Training Camp only a week away, I’m getting the same feeling. Next Wednesday I’ll fly to Georgia (which is crazy in itself), live in a tent, and meet my friends and fellow missionaries on K-Squad! I’ll meet the people that I will pray with, worship with, eat with, and probably do so much more with for 10 days…and then for 11 months. They won’t be names on a group chat anymore. They won’t be 75 unread messages about tents and sleeping bags when I wake up 4 hours behind most of them. They’ll be in the next tent over. Some of them I will see literally Every. Single. Day. for 11 months. They don’t tell us too much about Training Camp, but I DO know it will be a time of challenge, refreshment, worship, and bonding…and I’m so excited and curious about all of Training Camp that it makes my stomach churn.
I think that what is blowing my mind this week is the concrete realness of God’s faithfulness and provision. It’s one thing to see a donation show up in my account; it’s quite another to realize that because of that donation, I’m going to get on a plane to Training Camp. It’s one thing to make a Frankenstein packing list out of all the packing blogs I’ve read, it’s another to actually buy a striped maxi skirt because I am actually going to wear it (and not put it in my closet as far out of sight as possible). I’ve had my insecurities about the Race and the next fundraising deadline, but those insecurities seem trivial next to the fact that I’m literally unable to use my spare bed because of the fact that God has faithfully provided in the past and I have every reason to trust that He will do it again in the future. I think that maybe I’m realizing this is what “stepping out in faith” is all about. Having faith does not look like standing there, feeling uncertain of where to put my foot down and then deciding to just not step at all (which is where I have definitely found myself). It looks like having confidence and stepping out not only because I already feel the ground under my feet, but also because I know that God will meet me there. I can step in faith and expectancy. His provision is a concrete reality for me, just like the skirt, the backpack, and K-Squad, all of which are examples of the way He’s already provided me with the financial and human support that I need for this trip. I have faith that if it is the Lord’s will, that He will provide the next $4,500 I need to raise in His own perfect timing—whether that provision happens tomorrow or on the due date, Jully 22nd. His provision is a reality that I live and have faith in.
I am going to wear this skirt.
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Last night, I spent about 2 or more hours typing what was essentially that blog post you just read, except that it was the original. I went to add a picture, and the picture swallowed the blog post. I know that’s not technical lingo, but that’s essentially what happened. Poof. My work was gone. I was desperate, so I tried clicking all kinds of weird things to try to resurrect it…only to realize that somehow, I’d deleted other blogs. I froze, horrified. I’d somehow deleted my testimony blog, my blog about my bunion surgery (“Foot Support”), my blog from early May about what I’d been learning in Proverbs recently (The Rock and the Rolling), and my blog with my Vlog in it; those 4 blog posts were all very personal and important to me. I’d never saved them on my computer because I always just spontaneously write them and immediately post them. I sat there in shock.
Guys, I was livid. I was going to cry. I was so, so upset. I’d lost my blogs, which I’d considered my connection of sorts between the world and my mission trip, between the world and my heart. I’d considered it to be one of the only ways that people could hear about the Race and support me. I was crushed. Devastated, even. I’d just sent prayer cards to pastors that had my blog address on it, so that they would be able to pray and follow along. I prayed, “God, I know that You’ll provide with or without my complete blog/story, but this really hurts. I worked really hard on that.” I ended up drowning my sorrows in The Bachelorette with my friends and boyfriend, and by the end of the night I accepted that I had lost the blogs, but it would be okay.
So this morning, I re-wrote my blog post (IN WORD THIS TIME) and then checked my fundraising account (because that’s just what World Racers do). My face FELL OFF. There was a $300 donation from an anonymous supporter that hadn’t been there yesterday. It must have just been processed. I inwardly groaned at how obvious my lack of faith in God had been last night, even after writing that blog post about faith and provision. I’d had faith…in my blog’s ability to reach people. UGH. I could kick myself.
God is my Provider. He is what I need to have faith in. Apparently, I needed to be taught that lesson just one more time. I’m thankful for this 12-hour roller coaster I’ve been on, and this lesson was odd and wonderful and loving. Thank You, Father. I’m so glad that He is so patient with His daughter.
Lord, give me more faith.
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Other random updates:
1) Okay, so that having faith thing. I’m doing it. I’m asking God for something that feels weirdly big and specific.I did the math and found that, as of now, I need to raise $1,974/month to be fully funded by November. What this means is that I will meet my final deadline in Novelmber so that I will be able to stay on the field for the full 11 months, as well as meet my $10,000 deadline on July 22nd and my deadline of $13,000 in September. I am praying that God will provide that $1,974/month in whatever way He sees fit to provide it. In easier numbers, this means I would need 50 people to commit to supporting me with $39/per month for the next 6 months, and this is what I am specifically praying for.
Please join me in prayer for those that will read and hear of my mission, and if you are able to support me monthly, I pray that you would consider partnering with me in this way.
2) Please pray for my 10 days of Training Camp! I am praying for a teachable and vulnerable heart, for whatever God decides to teach me and however He decides to do that. I have no idea what to expect, but I think I’ll need prayer 🙂
3) I made prayer cards! They’re cards with ways you can pray on it, along with a picture, so that you can stick them on your fridge and have a little visual reminder of how to pray for me before and during the World Race. If you want one, let me know, I’ll just need your address!
4) You can still adopt a jar! 🙂
5) Please pray for my fellow K-Squad members who haven’t met the Training Camp deadline of $5,000 yet. They have until Training Camp to meet that deadline!
Thanks for reading this long blog-within-a-blog and thank you for praying!
Brittni
