“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know. Even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”
Dear Granny,
Today marks four years since you left this earth for your eternal home in heaven. I will never forget the day I had to say goodbye, I was highly unprepared and stuck in a state of swirling confusion. I didn’t realize it was time for you to go. I had spoken to you days before and you seemed perfectly well, why did it all have to end so abruptly?
After you died, I didn’t know how I was supposed to carry on my life with such a gaping hole in my chest. You were not only my grandmother, but my best friend, my keeper of secrets, my greatest role model, my mentor, my therapist, and my person. You guided my growth from the time I first came home from the hospital to your house where mom and I were living to the days just before you passed when I was calling you on my lunch breaks from California.
It honestly took me months to realize you were really gone; I was in utter shock. I would reach for the phone to call you for our weekly phone date and realize I couldn’t. I was frustrated that what seemed to be from one moment to the next you were healthy and then gone. We all had so many unanswered questions about what happened and why. I spent a long time questioning God and blaming Him for taking you from me. I didn’t know how to do life without you. Without you or Him to rely on, I tried holding all the broken pieces on my own and ended up falling into a dark season of depression.
It took me years of fighting with God, but I finally crawled out of my depression and desperately ran into His arms. I couldn’t live another day without either of you in my life. I lost you, but through my season of darkness, I found Jesus. He was no longer a mystic being to me, but my tender-hearted and compassionate Father. And since then, He has transformed my life Gran.
I’m not bashful Britty Marie anymore. I have grown into my own skin. I have learned how to speak my mind and stand up for myself. I am not tied down by the standards and expectations of the world. I live life everyday being unapologetically me.
Over the past four years I graduated from UC Davis with a degree in Environmental Science and Management (I know you’d be proud of that one), I’ve been blessed to visit seventeen countries and cultures (that one would probably freak you out but I’m safe, I promise), and I am currently leading a team of missionaries in Haiti. I have experienced so many amazing things, far beyond my wildest dreams.
And it’s all because of Jesus.
During our nineteen years together on this earth, you taught me so much: how to be compassionate in all circumstances, how to always put yourself second and care first for those around you, and how to share your opinion while being gracious and kind. Whenever I watch HGTV, bake banana bread, am instinctively drawn to every animal around me, I always think of you. Your intricate DNA is intertwined in mine and it’s these things that I hold so dear to my heart.
The imprint you left on this earth and my heart is a big one, but I am trying my best to make you proud every day. I can still hear your voice in my head and think about you often. I miss your wisdom and encouragements, your sweet smell and big cuddly hugs. But most of all, I miss your love.
I hope you’re up in heaven, dancing with Pop Lyle, and laughing infectiously. Thank you for being the best everything I ever could’ve asked for. It’s crazy to think about how much has changed in just four short years without you and I can’t wait to share what God does in the years to come. I can’t wait to be reunited with you again someday soon.
Love you more.
xxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo
