Do you believe God’s grace is sufficient for you?
While at training camp the Lord really pressed in to that question. He kept asking me do you trust me, my answer was yes. The more times I said yes, the more I saw that my true thoughts about myself and actions were not a yes.
You see I knew it in my head, I knew the truth, but I hadn’t been applying it to my heart. This caused fear and a resentment towards myself and past mistakes, which overflowed into friendships with other people. I struggled so much trusting people and loving others the way God loves them. I had a deep resentment towards myself and didn’t even know it was there or what had caused it until training camp.
During camp I learned that I was harboring so much unforgiveness not only towards others, but towards myself. I knew Christ and what he had done for me, but I wasn’t walking in that freedom.
One night at camp we went over what unforgiveness looked like and found that I hadn’t grieved over my losses. I honestly didn’t even know what my losses were. As I started to reflect on the past, I suddenly became aware of the healing I needed in my heart.
For so long I had taken each sin in my life and covered it up with another, thinking it would fix the previous one or remove the pain of the others. When in fact it was just creating more chaos that I wasn’t dealing with or even acknowledging for that matter.
The Lord showed me a picture of a table, which represented me. That table had a beautiful dainty table cloth with beautiful decorations, good smelling candles, and all that jazz. I mean anyone would want to come sit at my table because, well, it looked good. What the people didn’t see was what was under the table. Thats where I had stuffed each sin, each hurt, and the shame, guilt, anger, hate, resentment from those sins. Thats where I found so many wounds that I hadn’t dealt with and honestly, I didn’t even know that these memories and hurts were still effecting my life now.
As I removed the table cloth and started pulling out my past, I realized that I hadn’t been fully surrendering to God. I hadn’t been fully trusting him. Honestly, I didn’t even understand the true love of the Father.
Like the intimacy of the Father, what that REALLY looks like.
So as I began to let the Father into those deep places, it hurt, it was painful, it wasn’t fun, but can I tell you the joy that consumed me in the hurt. Like truly surrendering myself to him and the freedom I have now. I had been living as if I was stuck in these cement chains. These chains had ruled my life without me even knowing it.
But I want to tell you that the Lord has broken those chains. I live a life of freedom with him. My chains are broken, I am free, I know that, not just in my head, but in my heart. Abba asks me, do you trust me? I say yes, because I do. I trust what he did at the cross. I trust that my sins are remembered no more. I trust that he’s changed me from the inside out. I trust that I am loved by him. I trust that he has called me on the world race. I trust that his plans are far greater than mine. I trust that I am His and he is mine. I trust that my identity is his love for me.
I understand that God wants to take my wounds and turn them into scars. You see wounds hurt, they’re painful to touch or think about, whereas scars are no longer painful. Scars hold a story behind them. Scars are free of pain, free of hurt, free of brokenness. Scars have a testimony.
And our testimony is to be used for the glory of our daddy in heaven. The coolest thing about trusting God and knowing my identity in him is that not only do I have an insane love for myself, but for others too. I can look at others and see the Jesus in them and then love them unconditionally. I can trust others and understand whats caused my scars and what the purpose of each scar is.
Revelation 10:
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
Be encouraged today,
Brittney
Also, check out this song, its on point!
