I sit here with a heavy heart as I write.
Since training camp the Lord has been speaking so many things to me. Each time I have held out my hand to receive his words, but with resistance. I’ve said yes Lord I trust you, but then hesitated, “What if what your asking of me or putting on my heart doesn’t align with what you told me 4 months ago, How do I know its your voice and not my own”.
He tells me “When you draw near to me, my desires become your desires”. “For I am doing a new thing, I have put these desires in your heart.”
I tell him: “I trust you Abba, do whatever you need to do so that I can receive more of you.”
He says: “Okay my love, I am going to give you what your asking for, its just going to look different.”
I say: “…….but wait God I don’t understand. I didn’t ask for any of this, I want to travel and see the world and bring glory to your name.”
He says: “I know and thats good, wherever you go, as long as you remain in me and seek me first, the answer is always Yes, but you have a mission field here, in Houston.”
I say: “But God, thats not what I wanted, why are things changing, why now?”
He says: “I am not saying never, I am saying be still and wait on me. I have a time for you, just be still and wait. What I am doing right now is bigger than you, bigger than anything you could comprehend and I want you to be a part of it.“
I say: Weeping, “Okay Lord, I trust you.”
Staying home has never been an option for me. Since camp have been battling with God on why things keep happening and praying over the desires he has been putting on my heart. I have told him to increase desires if they are of him or completely take them away. All he has done is increase them and allow things to happen that have pushed me to see myself and my life in a whole new way and understand a whole new characteristic of Christ.
Has it been insanely hard, Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Have I wanted to sit back and listen to him? Not really. Why? Because it goes against everything I had planned.
But, wherever I walk I want to have the Lord’s peace and if it’s not there I will not take that step. Its so hard to be humble and say that its not time to go yet. I would be lying if I told you that I had it all figured out, because I don’t.
What I do know is that the desires on my heart are of the Lord. What I can tell you is that I do not have a peace about leaving in January. What I do know is that he is working in the midst of the craziness and has a plan for my life. What I know is that he is worthy to be praised and I trust him with my whole heart.
With all this being said, I will not be leaving in January for the world race. Im not sure when I’m going but there are other options to launch in July, September, or next January, so I am waiting to see when I need to leave.
I am so sad and heart broken that I will not be leaving with my squad in January, but am so excited for what the Lord is going to do in them and through them. God has taken me to the story of Abraham and Isaac and confirmed that the January world race launch date has been my Isaac. He knows my heart and is guiding my steps.
I want to thank each person who has been a part of my story so far. There are bigger things ahead! We serve a good father whose love lavishes over us. I will keep you posted as I wait on the Lord and see whats next.
Love and blessings,
Brittney
