This is a small fraction of my story. Some of you are probably curious as to how I ended up falling in love with Jesus after living a life that claimed so different for so long. I’m too indecisive and contemplative for it to have been love at first sight, but this is a story of a reunion after a breakup that will last (had to keep the hopeless romantics intrigued). I am referring to me walking away from Jesus once I hit high school and how he waited so patiently for me. Anyways, romance novel over – long story starting:
High school, college, and heading out west – the synopsis
High school and college were definitely the time of “me”. I wanted nothing to do with God and everything to do with boyfriends, partying, getting ready for a career, and furthering my friendships. Once in a while Jesus would cross my mind and I would wonder if God was really real (this was generally during a hangover while I had the blues). I was a serial dater and found satisfaction in dating and making other people happy while also trying to change them into a person that I thought was going to fill my voids. I experienced love but never the love that was deep enough to fill the cracks in my brokenness (I didn’t even recognize my brokenness at this point!). I ended up moving out west and living with a boyfriend for almost 4 years and thought I had it all together. I had a great job (props to MNP) and was dating someone that I thought I was going to marry.
Kidnapped
In attendance at the Calgary Stampede, I made a mistake. I trusted someone to give me a ride home because I was unable to find a cab. I thought I was safe because I was with my boyfriend. We stopped to get some money out of an ATM and in the short time that my boyfriend was out of the vehicle and I wasn’t – this young man took off with me still in the vehicle. Holding me captive with a tight grip on my hair and pressing my face into the console, I was assaulted with a variety of words and threats. My phone with all my personal information was one of the items that was demanded to be handed over to the driver. In this moment of terror and determination to avoid physical manifestation of the words being yelled at me, I managed to move closer to the door and pry open the lock. I was able to open the door and roll out of the vehicle onto the concrete. I experienced some loss of hair and some bumps and bruises but was grateful to be safe! Even though my eyes weren’t on God, His eyes never left me. I was emotionally damaged but suppressed it thinking that was dealing with it. I left blame on people that didn’t deserve it and harbored unforgiveness.
Heartbroken and alone
I decided to end my 3.5 year relationship a few short weeks after the kidnapping situation. I figured I needed to be strong and get through dealing with this on my own. I thought that I was strong enough to push through what I had just been through. I stripped myself of the only support that I was getting and quickly realized I had no idea who I even was – the mirror showed the eyes of a total stranger. I didn’t know this girl. I didn’t know who I was, what I loved, what I wanted, or where I was going. This rocked my world in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with. I was a serial dater who didn’t even let myself into me. I saw it as wanting to help my boyfriends’ reach their full potential but was really just distorting them and asking them to reflect what it was that I wanted to see changed in me. Clear as mud, right? The odds were stacking against me quickly and I wasn’t ready to surrender any of it to Jesus quite yet. The realization of not knowing who you are is a scary place to be. Wrap that up with some post-traumatic stress disorder setting in from avoiding dealing with what had happened to me in regards to the kidnapping and it doesn’t make for a gift that anyone wants to open.
Eating til it hurts
I quickly came up with a coping mechanism to further delay dealing with any of those feelings or emotions. This is raw and vulnerable for me to share but what better way to break the shame than proclaim it to the World Wide Web. I developed really disordered eating patterns that are labelled as binge eating. I would eat until it hurt. I would eat anything and everything. I was home and alone for most of my post kidnapping/post breakup and eating subconsciously became a way that I spent my time when I started to think of any of those feelings or emotions I hadn’t dealt with. The pain and shame in not controlling my eating seemed more real and appropriate than the pain and shame that came with now knowing who I was or processing that I couldn’t control that I was kidnapped. Eating and gaining weight was a more tangible issue to allow myself to deal with than digging deep into my own head and soul. The shame and guilt of binge eating quickly led to more problems. The roots of this eating disorder were budding life to depression and isolation. I spent my days dragging myself to work, crying, eating, sitting alone, and hating myself. The deepest parts of me cried to get out of this wicked cycle – so I made a decision to move back home to Ontario. I can reflect now and see that I was seeing the Jesus in my family and that’s what was drawing me home, not just the security of family.
Bathtubs and cry sessions
I made it back to Ontario and realized quickly that the depression, crying, eating, and lonely long bathtub sessions were not going to be taken away by my family, a counselor, or any of my old home life familiarities. I knew there was more and I knew where to find it but I was scared and not ready to surrender everything to Him. So I pressed into myself more and felt some small things change through trying to do it on my own, but was still unsatisfied with any jobs I had, any habits I was picking up, and to be bluntly honest with my circle of friends and what I perceived as lack of support. I was looking for the right thing in all the wrong places. I needed unconditional real love and to know who I was.
Deut 2:3
I spent another night in alone and wrote an email of apology for the hurts I had caused my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to release myself and him from our past together. I got a sense that I was looking at the wrong “him” for healing though. It wasn’t the guy that kidnapped me that was going to allow me to feel freed again, it wasn’t my ex-boyfriend saying he accepted my apology that was going to allow me to move forward either. I took my dad’s advice finally and decided to open my bible and look to the real “Him” that could make a difference. The words on the page of the bible that I opened up to read this, “You have circled this mountain long enough, now turn North”. I didn’t just fly into the open arms of God from this point, but I did mull this over, start to attend church, and really learn that He was the one that was going to get me through dealing with those hard suppressed feelings and emotions. So I started to open up and feel them.
Jesus calling
It hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies since I committed to Christ. It has been frustrating and real. I don’t want religion – I want a relationship with a God that cares. I am not going to tell you that Jesus speaks to me in an audible voice and that we are as tight as peanut butter and jelly. I will tell you that He has shown me love. He has changed what love is for me. He has spoke to me through a stirring of words, scripture, dreams, and through other people. He continues to reveal to me who I am in Him and what it means to be his precious daughter. I did still go through counselling as the disordered eating was not something that just disappeared but the lessons I have learned through it are lessons that I will take all through my life. To be honest, I ended up on the World Race for partially selfish reasons – not because I am such a giving person. Community and growth were important to me and Jesus gifted me with an opportunity to experience in a real and raw way that is laced with acts of giving.
Here I am
I’m one month deep into the World Race and so grateful that God loves me for me. I am learning about how God views me and to walk and live out that identity. The community here is a blessing. I have people who are continuously calling me to a higher place of character or calling me to walk in vulnerability to allow myself to be in a place of freedom. Jesus is breaking chains and taking numbers homies. My story is just a tidbit of the glory story that is being written with my life. Words really can’t explain the fireworks of emotions and revelations that are walked through daily on this journey. We are able to feel full and alive while also broken. I am growing in my my brokenness and I encourage you to have your brokenness transformed by the One that will never fail you. Like any relationship – it’s not formed overnight – it’s spending quality time with Him and recognizing his characteristics weaved throughout all parts of life that are growing that intimacy. And that’s where I am at now!
